This is why I became an addict

I am realizing, once again that life gives us opportunities to learn, experience, and process many, many things.

At the present I am going through having to move my horse back to the person from whom I got her, due to my fear that the chemicals used at the place where she is now, will affect her negatively. It is already affecting three of the cats.

With this realization, I am experiencing extreme emotional pain and I’ve been trying every way I know how, to avoid feeling that pain.

Which is how I became an addict. To avoid feeling emotional pain.

I’m sure as a child I tried to find ways to feel better, that weren’t brought on by drugs or alcohol, but starting at the age of 16, I found beer. That started a 30-ish year trend of finding something, anything, to not have to feel.

In 2019 during therapy, I found out why I did a lot of the things that I had during my lifetime. So for me to do anything other than handle this situation in a healthy way, would be a precise choice of my own. I don’t have the “luxury” of not understanding anymore.

This is why I became an addict

But let me tell you…I sure as shit want to do ANYTHING to not feel what I’m feeling right now, and I’m finding it extremely hard to not relapse. This is a first for me. I know and understand my illnesses, I understand why I became and addict, I took away all the power of the drugs (prescription) and alcohol when I understood why I was using them. BUT…I also remember how well it worked.

And right now, I’m struggling. I do not handle emotional pain well…I always do something unhealthy…right now I can’t eat without getting nauseated. So I’m not eating. That’s an eating disorder. I want to drink, but have made the decision quite a few years ago, that wanting to drink isn’t good enough for the shitty hangover the next day.

I want to abuse my pain medication, but I’ve also learned a few years ago, that abusing my pain medication is not worth the misery it puts my body through. Messed up gut, retained fluid, etc etc.

So where does that leave me? To try to deal with it. I’m not good at that because I haven’t done enough of it. So here I am spewing it all out on this blog, thinking irrationally, considering deleting Facebook, because I don’t like it. That actually isn’t such a bad idea because I like my other social media platforms better. But the problem with all of that is I’m doing all of this “thinking” under the influence of a strong emotion, and could and would probably regret it later. Maybe. Who knows. I do know that I don’t like Facebook, but it has such a large range of people, that it’s a good way to get something out there. It’s also the place where I have the most followers.

So…what to do, what to do. I could delete this site, but I’ve had it for 10 years. It always seems to be the place where I come to write about all the bullshit that I think I’m going through. I’ve started writing poetry. Sometimes it’s good, and sometimes it’s not. Either way, it’s a way for me to process what almost always seems to be emotional pain. At least a lot of it is.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel inspired, write something, publish it, and then when I’m going back and reading through the things I’ve written, I have no memory of writing them…or at least a really faint memory, like a distant dream that’s fizzing away during awakening. Not sure what that’s all about.

I’m biding time. I don’t want to do that. I want to live my time, but I’m so fucking emotional right now that I can barely function. I actually feel like I have in the past when I checked myself into the looney bin. Am I on the verge of another breakdown? I hope not. My thoughts are vacillating between feeling like I’d be better off dead, feeling guilty, feeling guilty for feeling guilty…it just goes on and on.

I’m tired.

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Keywords: emotional pain, horses, coping skills, addiction

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