Tag Archives: Ptsd

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Here’s me and Fletch. A horse I rode for a day, who taught me something about forgiveness.

Here’s me and Fletch. I was riding him with some other people a few years ago. Really nice little medicine cap gelding. Had the patience of a saint. I really enjoyed riding him that day, he was calm, eager and ready to go do something.

Me and Fletch

It was an enjoyable ride, and he never gave anything but his best for me.

He is now owned and loved by a family who has little kids. The patience he shows with those kids is priceless. Standing and allowing them to learn how to mount up and accepting their youth and learning.

Horses are an amazingly forgiving animal, in most cases. They tolerate our mistakes, our inability to figure out quickly what their language is, so an effective team and trust can be built. They listen to your heartbeat, and breathing, and can tell if you are anxious or scared. Without proper learned communication, this just makes the horse anxious, just like us.

Here’s me and Fletch. A horse I rode for a day, who taught me something about forgiveness.

A horse like Fletch can’t tell us what his past has been, but from when I rode him, he was accepting of this new stranger on his back, and made ME confident. It’s always a guess when I get on a new horse, to test out for someone, or just riding someone else’s horse. Fletch told me “Hi new human! I’m Fletch, and I’m going to show you that I’m good, and I’ll take care of you on our ride today”.

He did just that.

If your horse is reacting, check yourself, your feelings, and your emotional status… it may be that you just need to have a talk, and spend some time getting to know each other, at liberty. 

What do you think about horses? Have you ever had any experience with them? Do you have a communication problem with them? Let me know

I am keeping my socials to Instagram, and my YouTube channel that I am building. And of course my blog. But you can access those socials via this link https://linktr.ee/hrsygirl. I’m also on Reddit, and that is a wonderful place to get advice, inspiration, and to share whatever you are going through in life. I am starting from scratch building my YouTube. Even if you don’t use those socials, I would really be super appreciative if you should share at least my blog posts, to get the word out. My goal is to get out from under the thumb of the gov, and not have to rely on $1000 a month to live on. I’m doing it the old fashioned way by picking the best platforms for that. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be able to do it without support, and encouragement .. ✌️💜😊

✌️

Shassy

 #horses  #gooutside #animals #healing #trust #atliberty 

#ptsdawareness #mentalhealthawareness

Here’s me and Fletch
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Move Me Poetry Battle Submission 17 Mar 23

cirrus clouds

Move Me Poetry Battle Submission 17 Mar 23

The Move Me Poetry Battle prompt for this week is “Dissolve”.

Dissolve my anguishes and reach into my heart

Remove remorse, guilt and bring forth a new start.

Vanquish blurry nightmares with a swift new breeze

Engulf my lungs with the air that frees.

Remove any tenacious lingering pain

Replace it with fresh light and hopes that remain.

Give strength that embraces a new view of life

One that understands and flows without great strife.

Continue to steady, 
support and give patience

As life is a lesson in worth of conveyance.

Seek out the fresh streams that cleanse my soul

Wash my body clean of strenuous control.

Empower me with freedom to seek arduous rising

That uplifts and removes the never ending capsizing.

Seek within me the wheels of smooth growth

So I can see the bright light of my own oath.

To continue to fight, this menace of death,

Which steals and destroys my life’s precious breath.

For I know in my soul that blessings abound,

All I must do is keep steady, and sound.

This is my declaration to dissolve,

The demons that haunt me within my resolve.

Banish you trickster, for you have no claim

As I move forward, ignoring your distain.

My life belongs to me; you are nothing but a gar

I will wipe you away, like the infection you are,

I’m still here creating, living and you are just huffing

Soon to be forgotten like nothing,

Blown away, sloughed off like yesterday’s uncoupling.

Shining days ahead without you in my head,

I will win the battle, even if by a thin thread. 
©️shassyswalkabout.com 2013–2023

#movemepoetrybattle #movemepoetry #poetry #poetrycommunity #writingcommuniy

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How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.

Social media is great… especially for people like me who are introverts, but want to keep in touch.

But it gets to be too much sometimes. So I step away. I put my phone on do not disturb, so I don’t constantly see notifications, and I just write, rest, or spend time in nature.

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In the process of hurting my back, and doing the things needed to get it healed up, I was sort of forced into a break, but I slowly realized I was needing one anyway.

If you know my story, then you know I struggle with mental health diagnoses, and as much as I would love to be “even keel”, and emotionally leveled out, the fact is I’m not that way.

I’ve been working on my #jeepminicamper and that has been a source of accomplishment, and also a way to distract my mind from morbid thoughts, unrealistic fears, and some depression.

The thing about mental illness, for me anyway, if I don’t manage it right, all of the things I do to distract my mind, come creeping back up if I try to pretend that they aren’t there. So I just deal with it. I put myself in the very present, noting the things around me, what I’m doing, or not doing. What is actually real, and not some illogical thought process that is stemming directly from a ptsd symptom, or a cloud of oppressive depression.

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It’s hard. It’s just hard some days. I get tired. I get frustrated, I get angry, I cry. I question everything, I question my life’s worth, I question my worth as a human being, I even guestion the things that bring me peace, wondering if I’m even worth peace.

Those things are the trickery and deception of mental illness. It comes to steal kill and destroy. Destroy families, destroy relationships, friendships, and in worst case it will take your life.

How social media forces me to step away, and the (my) cycle of mental illness.

I’m hyper vigilant…this stems from a home invasion, and domestic violence. But that hyper vigilance seeps into other areas… and compounds symptoms. If I’m going through a cycle of depressive episodes, that hyper vigilance will look for everything that is depressing in my life… logical? Absolutely not, but that’s the cycle some days.

So today’s ramblings are what I’m currently struggling with. I share because I know I’m not alone in struggling with mental health… although I am physically alone, I still want to be open and share, because someone else needs to hear that they are not alone.

You are not alone.

I may not be the best to talk to all the time, but I will listen, and be an ear. Sometimes that’s all a person needs.

So with that, I’m peacin’ out for today.

Thanks for listening. I’m working on a podcast, but it’s new territory for me, so please be patient. Also, please share, like, subscribe if you feel inclined, I would truly appreciate it.

✌️

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Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization…

I told them nothing, it causes me anxiety.

My biggest, newest tool I’ve added to my toolbox is staying in my #jeepminicamper out in nature. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there. It’s working the best thus far.

I do still use my other coping skills… 4-7-8 breathing, snapping a rubber band, safe place, finding five things in my present that I can either see, feel, hear that helps ground me when I’m in full out flashback or panic attack mode.

I don’t always know when symptoms are going to happen. I can’t always identify the triggers.

In worst case scenario, my therapist and I have a set protocol that I follow.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

I do all my coping skills, and if that doesn’t work, I call crisis, and if that doesn’t work, I check myself into the hospital. That has happened five times.

But I started this conversion of my jeep, and it’s helped to focus on a task, and it allows me to do what is the most functional for treating symptoms, at this moment. The thing that I’ve learned that is most important for me, is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes on second at a time.

Someone asked me what I do for socialization
Portable mini wood cook stove

I still have a few more things to do to finish, but I’m getting there. Like purchase this mini wood stove… love it.

Here’s a quick video of a work day… can’t get any better.

My goal with building this is to also be able to share the process, and help others. I plan to be on the road for trips later this summer. Still have a few more things to add… but I’ll get there.

This has been such a learning experience. I had no idea what I was doing when I started considering this. But I watched a lot of videos, asked a lot of questions, and have made a lot of mistakes.

As I’ve been staying in it, I tweak this or that. I still have to make the window coverings, but until then the huge amount of heat was just escaping through the windows…so, I just hung up some small throw blankets, and it’s made a huge difference. Right now I am close to electricity, until I get everything finished. I have put a little heater in the vehicle because it’s got down to the 20’s and 30’s at night. I have a good sleeping bag and Zoey has her bed, and we snuggle up under the sleeping bag and stay warm. I actually think that my sleep has been better. I’m still working on the bed….I put down some memory foam (full sized folded three times), and that has made a huge difference. I’ll keep working on it until it’s just the way I want it, but right now it’s perfect.

So this is the reason…I’m not 28 anymore, I’m not using alcohol or other unhealthy coping skills, I’m developing more coping skills, that are bringing me peace.

Life is weird, and I believe everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason, it is time for me to do this, and other than making my back sore now and then, it’s working.

Don’t be afraid to try new things…You may surprise yourself.

✌️

Shassy

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My favorite view.
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Today is a blog, rest and learning day. For the last 3 days I’ve been working on my JeepMiniCamper, only posting shorts.

Today is a blog, rest and learning day. The past three days have been busy, tiring, painful, and rewarding all at the same time.

PTSD has been rearing its ugly head with my mind wandering off into stupid places, so I’ve had to deal with that.

I totally tore down one crappy cabinet in my jeep and completely built something new. With such a small space the old one was just not working. So I build a mini bench. It’s not pretty, but it’s functional and strong, and that’s all I care about.

Today is a blog day. This is my view currently. 💜

One of the things that I rarely struggle with as a symptom of diagnoses, is irritability. I mean, I can get irritable, but I don’t like to be that way, and rarely does it manifest. But the last few days it has, and I’ve worked hard to dispel that. I have for reasons I don’t feel like mentioning, absolutely hate that about me. I hate getting irritated, hate getting angry, and work super hard on stopping it.

I think it’s a childhood thing…probably is. But I do know that when my anger has overcome me, I have a terrible temper, and can get tunnel vision with it. I don’t like that, it serves no purpose. Same with irritability, it serves me no purpose, and I know that I have failed in allowing it to get out of control in my life, so it’s something that I try to manage. I don’t like to be that way around people, or treat them that way, though I know I have failed at that during life.

I punch pillows, do yoga, spend time with nature and animals, and just basically get rid of that negativity.

Today is a blog, rest and learning day. For the last 3 days I’ve been working on my JeepMiniCamper, only posting shorts.

Anyway, today I’m waiting on a part, and there’s really nothing else I can build at this point, in my jeep. The rest will be ad-ons—-the faucet, since, clean and grey water tanks, awnings and window shades. I think I’m either going to build or buy something that I can add on to the back end of my jeep to make a covered area. I’ve seen tents like this one…

This is exactly what I’m going to use.

I’ll have it packed in my gear box, and they actually have it attached to a Grand Cherokee, which is what I have. So this will work perfectly.

For shorter trips, I’m fabricating my own awnings..pvc pipe, heavy duty tarp, guy lines, and poles. I’ll attach it to the roof rack that’s already on my jeep, way cheaper than buying them, and I’ll know how they’re made if something goes wrong. Easy peasy.

HAHA….I’ve found that not everything that I have planned has gone easy peasy. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m learning so much.

Not much else for today. I need to do some editing for my YouTube channel…please subscribe if you can, and follow on my Facebook. I would really appreciate it.

Here’s a video of my girl running around yesterday… it was a gorgeous day and she was kicking up her heels… literally… lol

Happy Monday!

✌️

Shassy

P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe to get notifications when I post.

P.P.S. I’m editing some videos and will blog abou the progress and what I’ve built so far… that’s coming up. I’m new to editing and all of that stuff.

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Find me in my other socials. If you want to…I’m not the boss of you. 🤣🤣🤣

Or here via my Linktree.

NO MY SITE IS NOT GOING OFFLINE. Working out some technical issues.

Find me on my other socials, if you want. I’m leaning further #out #of #Facebook. All of my videos (reels) will also be on my website. (My latest reel is at the bottom of this post.)

Why? Because I like it better, and have to do what’s best for my noggin.

Trying to keep up with everything, is hard some days, and the key to everything online is consistency. So I have to choose which #platforms are #performing better, with the least amount of “issues”.

Everything is linked in my #linktreeinbio

I won’t delete the account, but just won’t be posting as much here as time moves forward. I’ll see how it goes.. because things can change.

I have posted strong opinions about it, but I’m attempting…haha…to find my filter for my mouth.

Find me in my other socials. If you want to…I’m not the boss of you. 🤣🤣🤣

It’s just me being tired of the control issue… my content will get 40k,
10k views, until they offer to pay me, then they toggle it, and views go down. It seems dumb to me.. but hey.. I’m not Facebook. Just had a video get over 11k views Instagram (yes owned by Meta), but it gets less than 500 over on FB… because they wanted me in their monetization program. Prior to that… things were different.

Also, I enjoy the freedom I have on my own site. Nobody tells me I’m
going to get banned/ or a community violation for saying this, or that.

Yes I understand that if I’m going to continue to build, I have to jump through some hoops. I’m just deciding which hoops.

Also, having my face in front of a screen, isn’t good for me. It’s not good for anyone actually.

My goal is to share a lot, because it’s the number one most effective way for me to cope… and I’ve got to be able to deal with my baggage…..and if me sharing helps at least one other person, then I’ve accomplished something.

My main source will be here… I’ve had this site since 2013. I’ll keep Medium,(for my poetry) Reddit (because so far I love it there) and Instagram (because it’s easier to integrate what I want)… and Twitter (because I’m a part of a great writing, poetry community over there… but even Twitter is changing)…but I’m backing off of Facebook. I’ve backed completely off of Tiktok…. I can’t stand it there… I still have an account with a couple of videos, but it’s just too much. I do have a feet page… doing an experiment with that, so not sure I’ll keep it….. yes I said feet… I’m quirky and weird, but I’m ok with that. 🤣

I’m opening an Amazon storefront because I have so many products that I get from there, that I use, and it’s just easier to share all in one place sometimes. If I can’t find it on Amazon, I share a link to it.

So there it is. Peace out Facebook. For now at least.

I can’t believe I could have lost her 4 months ago. (Story on my insta via underlined/ and or different colored words).

✌️

Shassy

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This is Opie, the radically brave opossum approximately 1 to 3 years.

close up of an opossum
This is Opie, approximately 1 to 3 year old opossum.

Published by Shassy 20 Feb 23

Opie Opossum

Opossums are gentle creatures. They try to look nasty and slobber when scared, and will play “possum” when they feel like there’s no way out. This one in particular has been around a few times and is now trusting me and being brave as to interact and not play dead, or run off. (Yes, they can run off… I’ve seen it. They don’t always play dead.)

They really are an amazing animal, marsupials to be exact, and are beneficial to a healthy ecosystem. I say healthy because when humans get involved, we upset the ecosystem. If we eliminate one part, then it upsets the balance, and then it’s a downward spiral.

This particular opossum in my above ⬆️⬆️⬆️ video is a regular. I can tell by nicks in his little ears, and the end of his tail has a previous injury.

Northwest Registered Agent

Last summer I took in a blind old opossum to sanctuary. He was starving and trying to live in one of our cats houses. When I realized something was wrong, I called my wildlife person, and took him into be transported to a safe place where he could get what he needed.

I didn’t know that when they get old they can get cataracts and become blind. I picked him up and put him gently into the carrier, and offered food and water, and he ate and drank like a champ. (This is a ranch and we have random bowls that are stored, without being used, so that’s why this bowl is so old looking, and covered in hard water stains. Sometimes the raccoons steal them and I find them in the yard, or further out in the pasture. Please don’t judge my old steel bowl). See below video. ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Then, that same day, immediately after I had returned from the location for drop off for transport to sanctuary, as I walked into the barn, my cats were going after something. As I looked around I found the cutest baby Opie. I don’t care what you say, he/she was adorable.

(I don’t have my “hrsygrl” TikTok anymore, fyi). This video doesn’t show his cuteness as well as what I saw before I picked up my camera. I do have gloves on because although they rarely bite, they still can. I put him in a blanket and snuggled him up to me… and thought…. “I should raise him and keep him”… but I didn’t… he needed to be able to grow and be away from cats, so he went to sanctuary as well.

But I sure wanted to. It was hard to put aside what I wanted, and do what was right for him. Oh my heart 💜. Such a cutie.

So anyway, my point being is that I love animals and creatures of all kinds. I try to leave them be, but as you can see, since they learn where the food is… we will have interaction.

I also ran into Ricky Raccoon last night, but he wasn’t as amiable to discussion. 🤣

Please take care of this planet and all of the inhabitants. Once it’s gone, we don’t get a do-over.

✌️

Shassy

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/start-an-online-business/
this is opie
Photo by GLEIVE MARCIO RODRIGUES DE SOUZA on Pexels.com
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4 Mental Health diagnoses from trauma. What it’s like.

4 Mental Health diagnoses from trauma. What it’s like. #ptsd #cptsd #mdd #mentalhealthawareness

What it’s like…..Remember when Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz was caught up in the tornado, and she saw the wicked witch ride her bike by her window? Knowing that no matter what, that wicked ole’ witch was still there.

The house spinning around, furniture sliding back and forth, not being able to grasp onto anything to feel grounded.

That’s one way to describe ptsd.

Another way to describe ptsd, cptsd, mdd (major depressive disorder) is not wanting to move, bathe, get out of bed, eat, sleep or even be alive. In my case the symptoms cycle. One minute I’ll be “up” and feeling positive, feeling like…”ok, this is good, I’m going to have a good day today.” So I set out with bells on and go about whatever it is that I have planned. (Side note: I help take care of a ranch where I keep my horse, and we have “barn cats”, and deer, and such, so I absolutely have to get up and go take care of them, no matter how I feel, I never miss a day, 24/7/365).

There are some days when I’m toodling along, at home, or at the ranch, and no matter how good I feel, something triggers me and I start down the rabbit hole of panic attacks, flashbacks, and morbid thoughts (in my case suicidal ideation). Sometimes I can identify the triggers, other times I cannot. When I can identify them, I stop and start my coping skills.

If it’s at the ranch, I sit with my horse, or out in the middle of the pasture. That may sound weird, but for me it works. I force myself to look around me at the calmness of nature. Also, my horse is amazing…she knows when I’m having a hard time, and comforts me with hugs, or just comes and stands next to where I am.

I count out loud what I can see, hear, feel….the grass, which is brown right now. The male Cardinal sitting on the branch, the sound the wind makes as it blows through the trees. If it’s evening, I can count on usually hearing the coyotes off in the distance. I literally MAKE myself stop and be present in the moment, and try to tell my brain that I am not experiencing the trauma again, it’s today, not the past. I do the 4-7-8 breathing technique. When done right it can lower heart rate, and help reset the brain.

Then there are those days when I feel hopeless, humiliated, embarrassed…like I’ve failed my family and friends in every way imaginable. Like I would be better off not on this planet. The depression is all consuming some days. I cry a lot, I reach into my tool box of coping skills, use them all, and it doesn’t work. I’m just all out of spoons.

That’s when I call crisis.

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/if-you-are-suicidal/

Logically I know that there’s nothing wrong with reaching out for help. My therapist and I have protocol set in place for when it gets that bad. But emotionally I feel worthless, like I’m not worthy of help, like I’m not good enough for it. Those are the battles that intrude and make the rough days, ten times harder.

I push through though. A few years ago I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. It was one of the hardest times of my life. I had lost my grandmother, and actually thought I was going to die myself. My mind was constantly spinning, unable to keep a straight thought. The emotional pain of not being able to call my grandma and talk to her was unbearable. There was one day in particular I had decided that I was going to kill myself. That I wanted to be out of this pain, that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had a plan to take all of my medication.

But something stopped me…I like to think it was grandma telling me not to do that, but I can’t pinpoint why I didn’t swallow all of my meds. All I know is I didn’t, but I wanted to really really bad.

Instead I called crisis, and checked myself into the psych ward. (This was pre-covid so I was able to get a bed.) I’ve had five psychiatric hospital stays, and I’ve come out of them learning something that I didn’t know prior to being admitted. I count that as a positive. I don’t like staying inpatient because it feels like I’m a prisoner, but it’s needed nonetheless, and I try to learn and find the good.

Mental health needs to be destigmatized. We live in a world of dysfunction, and trauma changes the chemistry of the brain. I recently found out that a person I had become acquainted with on social media, took his own life. He had built a company, had the things that people think make a person happy, (money, home, friends etc)…but he couldn’t outrun his demons.

So far I’ve outrun mine. I hope to keep it that way.

✌️

Shassy

4 mental health diagnoses from trauma
Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

Keywords: 4 mental health diagnoses, mental health, 4 mental health, coping skills, suicidal ideation, 4 mental health, 4 mental health

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Now I lay

Now I lay

“Under the night sky, the wind is chill. I’ve turned this jalopy and bent her to my will. But she holds me safely, with not a budge to her name. Even though I’ve stripped her all the same. She’ll never complain, and basks with delight. For the adventures await, and she shows no fright. Old as she be, there’s not a hitch in her step, onward and upward she says, I will not be kept!!” ©️shassyswalkabout.com

A little diddy I wrote for my Daenerys. My old Jeep that I have halfway finfished turning into a mini camper… I’ve got all the seats out, a platform build for the bed, recycled a junk desk from Walmart and a spot for the Zoester. It’s enough for us to sleep out under the stars. Though it’s freezing outside at the moment… 🤣

Oh… and I’m not a carpenter… my wood work is ragtag, but it works! I’ll fix and decorate more after I get finished. Nothing has given way yet! Haha… I’ll take a video tomorrow to share.

But right now I’ve got power, and warmth, and my girls (Sadie standing by as well). Simba will come too after I get his area situated.

Also… that little solar generator? It’s still going. Five days now. I haven’t been using it non stop, just when I need my small electronics charged. I’m impressed thus far!

https://shassyswalkabout.wordpress.com/quick-solar-generator-update-1/

✌️

Shassy

https://linktr.ee./hrsygirl

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Flashbacks and trauma. RE: 2017 “I’m a shitty person right now”

silhuoette of a person
Flashbacks and trauma. RE: 2017 “I’m a shitty person right now”

Want to write for Shassyswalkabout? Submit your stories via contact, with the subject line that says “Please consider my story”. Also please share. Thank you.

2017: Sometimes I use blogging as a source to blast what is going on at the core, because it’s therapy for me. Sometimes I keep them private and sometimes I share.  Not sure what this blurb is going to end up as.

I try not to say negative things about my life because nobody has time to hear that, or when I do I try to make a joke of it.  I do fail though. This is going to be an epic fail I’m sure.
I have made so many mistakes, and I just keep on doing them. I got into abusive relationships and blame myself for what has happened to me.

 There’s still some ongoing business with the trip to Alaska,  and I was reminded tonight how messed up I have become. So bad that I can’t stand to be around my own damn self.  Am I on a pity pot? Maybe, probably. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am just completely lost in my life right now.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve let everyone down in my life because I’m an idiot, and can’t seem to get it right. Do I even DESERVE forgiveness?  I mean really.

I’m going to have to do some serious soul searching and find out what is wrong with me.

flashbacks and trauma
Photo by Isaque Pereira on Pexels.com

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****This post was from 2017. (Above the separation graphic of arrows). I repost it because it’s important for me to realize that I am not perfect, and I can at any time fall flat on my face if I am not careful. I vaguely remember this…only because it mentions “the trip to Alaska”.

I won’t get into that very much yet because it’s just a giant cluster fuck. Long story short I was a victim witness in a military court martial against a human (I say “human”, but really this person is a monster and a predator), that tried to kill another person, and had abused me as well. (I did not file a police report because I was afraid, instead I reached out to the military for help, and they declined because I was not married to the person.)

There’s a lot more to the story, but he was convicted, dishonorably discharged, and is now a registered federal sex offender for life. The trial is not my story to tell, I was not the petitioner, and my purpose was to support the petitioner in this trial (which I would do again in a heartbeat, I do not regret standing up for another woman, and in this case, women). But it was traumatic. It’s traumatic now to think about.

Trauma is weird. One minute you are feeling like “ok, I can deal with this”, and the next you are crying, snot running down your face, shaking, mind spinning, hyperventilating, and basically losing all functions of the body. I don’t know what’s best to deal with trauma…to look at it in the face and fight it, or to tuck it away far into the recesses of my mind until there comes a day where I can face it. This particular situation, my involvement in the trial, and the abuse I went through from this human, is in that category. The grey area.

I’ve learned to understand some of the things that have happened to me, and when I start experiencing symptoms of ptsd, I reach for my tools and coping skills. (The healthy ones). But I have yet to “situate” this instance and put it in its place. I’ve worked on it, a lot, and will continue to do so.

Today, and yesterday are days that I simply cannot deal…my mind is anxious, I’m picking at my fingernails, fidgety, racing thoughts, shaking. I hate to say that I’m used to it, when my brain cycles through this, but honestly I am…I feel it coming on. So I gear up to handle it in whatever way I can. Right now I’m writing about it. This is how I feel right now. It’s like being on a merry go round that’s going too fast, and everything is whizzing by, and you can’t get off.

I’ve been told to just “not think about it”. And sometimes that works, to not think about it. But the truth about trauma is that it changes your brain chemistry. It hides deep within the subconscious and remembers, even if I don’t.

Even if I “just don’t think about it”. There’s a trigger that my eye sees, or my ears hear, and it sets off a series of events in the brain that become physical body symptoms. Sometimes I don’t know what the triggers are, sometimes it’s a certain time of year that something happened. A trauma anniversary, for lack of a better way to describe it. That time comes around, and the brain and body remember, even if consciously I DON’T remember.

There are treatments that are there for ptsd, abuse, etc. EMDR is one. I have had three sessions with my therapist, and every time my body goes into reactivity, with negative responses. The most recent time I became light headed, started having tunnel vision, started shaking, and my heart rate went up. (click underlined words for description)

My therapist stopped the session immediately. I was extremely disappointed, I was hoping I could get started and continue. But she will not try it again for a while. She stated that it should not, and can not cause medical emergency type responses, in my case anyway. EMDR has a high percentage of success in helping people with ptsd. But it’s not 100%. I don’t want to discourage anyone to try it, because it has been proven to help.

So for today it’s a Xanax, some gaba (amino acid) and literally checking out.

Gaba helps me. Here’s a publication from the NIH talking about ptsd and gaba. All I know is that I am 10 times worse without my gaba supplement. If that’s possible, and the answer to that question is yes. I have more morbid thoughts, and have, in the past become suicidal. I do my best to prevent those times from happening.

✌️Shassy

https://atomic-temporary-41308365.wpcomstaging.com/calmerry

flashbacks and trauma, flashbacks and trauma, flashbacks and trauma, RE: I’m a shitty person right now, I have flashbacks and trauma, experiencing flashbacks and trauma, dealing with flashbacks and trauma, handling flashbacks and trauma.