Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization…

I told them nothing, it causes me anxiety.

My biggest, newest tool I’ve added to my toolbox is staying in my #jeepminicamper out in nature. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m getting there. It’s working the best thus far.

I do still use my other coping skills… 4-7-8 breathing, snapping a rubber band, safe place, finding five things in my present that I can either see, feel, hear that helps ground me when I’m in full out flashback or panic attack mode.

I don’t always know when symptoms are going to happen. I can’t always identify the triggers.

In worst case scenario, my therapist and I have a set protocol that I follow.

Someone asked me what I do in my small town for socialization. My response: nothing, it causes me anxiety.

I do all my coping skills, and if that doesn’t work, I call crisis, and if that doesn’t work, I check myself into the hospital. That has happened five times.

But I started this conversion of my jeep, and it’s helped to focus on a task, and it allows me to do what is the most functional for treating symptoms, at this moment. The thing that I’ve learned that is most important for me, is to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes on second at a time.

Someone asked me what I do for socialization
Portable mini wood cook stove

I still have a few more things to do to finish, but I’m getting there. Like purchase this mini wood stove… love it.

Here’s a quick video of a work day… can’t get any better.

My goal with building this is to also be able to share the process, and help others. I plan to be on the road for trips later this summer. Still have a few more things to add… but I’ll get there.

This has been such a learning experience. I had no idea what I was doing when I started considering this. But I watched a lot of videos, asked a lot of questions, and have made a lot of mistakes.

As I’ve been staying in it, I tweak this or that. I still have to make the window coverings, but until then the huge amount of heat was just escaping through the windows…so, I just hung up some small throw blankets, and it’s made a huge difference. Right now I am close to electricity, until I get everything finished. I have put a little heater in the vehicle because it’s got down to the 20’s and 30’s at night. I have a good sleeping bag and Zoey has her bed, and we snuggle up under the sleeping bag and stay warm. I actually think that my sleep has been better. I’m still working on the bed….I put down some memory foam (full sized folded three times), and that has made a huge difference. I’ll keep working on it until it’s just the way I want it, but right now it’s perfect.

So this is the reason…I’m not 28 anymore, I’m not using alcohol or other unhealthy coping skills, I’m developing more coping skills, that are bringing me peace.

Life is weird, and I believe everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason, it is time for me to do this, and other than making my back sore now and then, it’s working.

Don’t be afraid to try new things…You may surprise yourself.



If you’d like to learn how to start a full time online business, or even a side hustle, you can click here… just look for any colored words and navigate from there. It even comes with a money back guarantee. I’ve made money from these proven strategies. All you need is to be able to commit to put in the effort. It works!

4 Mental Health diagnoses from trauma. What it’s like.

4 Mental Health diagnoses from trauma. What it’s like. #ptsd #cptsd #mdd #mentalhealthawareness

What it’s like…..Remember when Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz was caught up in the tornado, and she saw the wicked witch ride her bike by her window? Knowing that no matter what, that wicked ole’ witch was still there.

The house spinning around, furniture sliding back and forth, not being able to grasp onto anything to feel grounded.

That’s one way to describe ptsd.

Another way to describe ptsd, cptsd, mdd (major depressive disorder) is not wanting to move, bathe, get out of bed, eat, sleep or even be alive. In my case the symptoms cycle. One minute I’ll be “up” and feeling positive, feeling like…”ok, this is good, I’m going to have a good day today.” So I set out with bells on and go about whatever it is that I have planned. (Side note: I help take care of a ranch where I keep my horse, and we have “barn cats”, and deer, and such, so I absolutely have to get up and go take care of them, no matter how I feel, I never miss a day, 24/7/365).

There are some days when I’m toodling along, at home, or at the ranch, and no matter how good I feel, something triggers me and I start down the rabbit hole of panic attacks, flashbacks, and morbid thoughts (in my case suicidal ideation). Sometimes I can identify the triggers, other times I cannot. When I can identify them, I stop and start my coping skills.

If it’s at the ranch, I sit with my horse, or out in the middle of the pasture. That may sound weird, but for me it works. I force myself to look around me at the calmness of nature. Also, my horse is amazing…she knows when I’m having a hard time, and comforts me with hugs, or just comes and stands next to where I am.

I count out loud what I can see, hear, feel….the grass, which is brown right now. The male Cardinal sitting on the branch, the sound the wind makes as it blows through the trees. If it’s evening, I can count on usually hearing the coyotes off in the distance. I literally MAKE myself stop and be present in the moment, and try to tell my brain that I am not experiencing the trauma again, it’s today, not the past. I do the 4-7-8 breathing technique. When done right it can lower heart rate, and help reset the brain.

Then there are those days when I feel hopeless, humiliated, embarrassed…like I’ve failed my family and friends in every way imaginable. Like I would be better off not on this planet. The depression is all consuming some days. I cry a lot, I reach into my tool box of coping skills, use them all, and it doesn’t work. I’m just all out of spoons.

That’s when I call crisis.

Logically I know that there’s nothing wrong with reaching out for help. My therapist and I have protocol set in place for when it gets that bad. But emotionally I feel worthless, like I’m not worthy of help, like I’m not good enough for it. Those are the battles that intrude and make the rough days, ten times harder.

I push through though. A few years ago I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. It was one of the hardest times of my life. I had lost my grandmother, and actually thought I was going to die myself. My mind was constantly spinning, unable to keep a straight thought. The emotional pain of not being able to call my grandma and talk to her was unbearable. There was one day in particular I had decided that I was going to kill myself. That I wanted to be out of this pain, that I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had a plan to take all of my medication.

But something stopped me…I like to think it was grandma telling me not to do that, but I can’t pinpoint why I didn’t swallow all of my meds. All I know is I didn’t, but I wanted to really really bad.

Instead I called crisis, and checked myself into the psych ward. (This was pre-covid so I was able to get a bed.) I’ve had five psychiatric hospital stays, and I’ve come out of them learning something that I didn’t know prior to being admitted. I count that as a positive. I don’t like staying inpatient because it feels like I’m a prisoner, but it’s needed nonetheless, and I try to learn and find the good.

Mental health needs to be destigmatized. We live in a world of dysfunction, and trauma changes the chemistry of the brain. I recently found out that a person I had become acquainted with on social media, took his own life. He had built a company, had the things that people think make a person happy, (money, home, friends etc)…but he couldn’t outrun his demons.

So far I’ve outrun mine. I hope to keep it that way.



4 mental health diagnoses from trauma
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Keywords: 4 mental health diagnoses, mental health, 4 mental health, coping skills, suicidal ideation, 4 mental health, 4 mental health

Flashbacks and trauma. RE: 2017 “I’m a shitty person right now”

silhuoette of a person
Flashbacks and trauma. RE: 2017 “I’m a shitty person right now”

Want to write for Shassyswalkabout? Submit your stories via contact, with the subject line that says “Please consider my story”. Also please share. Thank you.

2017: Sometimes I use blogging as a source to blast what is going on at the core, because it’s therapy for me. Sometimes I keep them private and sometimes I share.  Not sure what this blurb is going to end up as.

I try not to say negative things about my life because nobody has time to hear that, or when I do I try to make a joke of it.  I do fail though. This is going to be an epic fail I’m sure.
I have made so many mistakes, and I just keep on doing them. I got into abusive relationships and blame myself for what has happened to me.

 There’s still some ongoing business with the trip to Alaska,  and I was reminded tonight how messed up I have become. So bad that I can’t stand to be around my own damn self.  Am I on a pity pot? Maybe, probably. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am just completely lost in my life right now.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve let everyone down in my life because I’m an idiot, and can’t seem to get it right. Do I even DESERVE forgiveness?  I mean really.

I’m going to have to do some serious soul searching and find out what is wrong with me.

flashbacks and trauma
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Want to try Kopi Luwak coffee? Check out this link. There’s other types as well.

****This post was from 2017. (Above the separation graphic of arrows). I repost it because it’s important for me to realize that I am not perfect, and I can at any time fall flat on my face if I am not careful. I vaguely remember this…only because it mentions “the trip to Alaska”.

I won’t get into that very much yet because it’s just a giant cluster fuck. Long story short I was a victim witness in a military court martial against a human (I say “human”, but really this person is a monster and a predator), that tried to kill another person, and had abused me as well. (I did not file a police report because I was afraid, instead I reached out to the military for help, and they declined because I was not married to the person.)

There’s a lot more to the story, but he was convicted, dishonorably discharged, and is now a registered federal sex offender for life. The trial is not my story to tell, I was not the petitioner, and my purpose was to support the petitioner in this trial (which I would do again in a heartbeat, I do not regret standing up for another woman, and in this case, women). But it was traumatic. It’s traumatic now to think about.

Trauma is weird. One minute you are feeling like “ok, I can deal with this”, and the next you are crying, snot running down your face, shaking, mind spinning, hyperventilating, and basically losing all functions of the body. I don’t know what’s best to deal with trauma…to look at it in the face and fight it, or to tuck it away far into the recesses of my mind until there comes a day where I can face it. This particular situation, my involvement in the trial, and the abuse I went through from this human, is in that category. The grey area.

I’ve learned to understand some of the things that have happened to me, and when I start experiencing symptoms of ptsd, I reach for my tools and coping skills. (The healthy ones). But I have yet to “situate” this instance and put it in its place. I’ve worked on it, a lot, and will continue to do so.

Today, and yesterday are days that I simply cannot deal…my mind is anxious, I’m picking at my fingernails, fidgety, racing thoughts, shaking. I hate to say that I’m used to it, when my brain cycles through this, but honestly I am…I feel it coming on. So I gear up to handle it in whatever way I can. Right now I’m writing about it. This is how I feel right now. It’s like being on a merry go round that’s going too fast, and everything is whizzing by, and you can’t get off.

I’ve been told to just “not think about it”. And sometimes that works, to not think about it. But the truth about trauma is that it changes your brain chemistry. It hides deep within the subconscious and remembers, even if I don’t.

Even if I “just don’t think about it”. There’s a trigger that my eye sees, or my ears hear, and it sets off a series of events in the brain that become physical body symptoms. Sometimes I don’t know what the triggers are, sometimes it’s a certain time of year that something happened. A trauma anniversary, for lack of a better way to describe it. That time comes around, and the brain and body remember, even if consciously I DON’T remember.

There are treatments that are there for ptsd, abuse, etc. EMDR is one. I have had three sessions with my therapist, and every time my body goes into reactivity, with negative responses. The most recent time I became light headed, started having tunnel vision, started shaking, and my heart rate went up. (click underlined words for description)

My therapist stopped the session immediately. I was extremely disappointed, I was hoping I could get started and continue. But she will not try it again for a while. She stated that it should not, and can not cause medical emergency type responses, in my case anyway. EMDR has a high percentage of success in helping people with ptsd. But it’s not 100%. I don’t want to discourage anyone to try it, because it has been proven to help.

So for today it’s a Xanax, some gaba (amino acid) and literally checking out.

Gaba helps me. Here’s a publication from the NIH talking about ptsd and gaba. All I know is that I am 10 times worse without my gaba supplement. If that’s possible, and the answer to that question is yes. I have more morbid thoughts, and have, in the past become suicidal. I do my best to prevent those times from happening.


flashbacks and trauma, flashbacks and trauma, flashbacks and trauma, RE: I’m a shitty person right now, I have flashbacks and trauma, experiencing flashbacks and trauma, dealing with flashbacks and trauma, handling flashbacks and trauma.

Scan this code for all my contacts 30 Nov 22

Scan this code for all my contacts. 30 Nov 22
Scan this code
Scan code donation links camper/van fundraiser

This is my centralized location for everything. It’s all here in one place.

You can scan this into your phone, and it will take you right there.

Please considering donating to camper/van fund. All donations are tax deductible and I will have an accountability person, all funds will be open for inspection. Complete transparency where your donations will go.

Just a quick note. My mental health cycles, and I have to take time out some days to cope.

Have a wonderful Wednesday, peace and blessings.

✌️ Shassy

The cycle of mental health 16 Nov 22

The cycle of mental health

I know there’s others out here that struggle. I know there is. The anxiety, fear, agoraphobia, heart palpitations. The questioning of everything. “Am I losing my mind?” “What’s wrong with me?”

Currently I am fighting a revolution of self doubt, self loathing, physical autoimmune flare ups, which I don’t think is a coincidence as there have been many studies that link autoimmune, to mental health and trauma. Here’s an article on it from a trusted source.

I’ve spent my entire life, literally, trying to feel ok, and being in a fight or flight situation. I’m tired. My body is tired, my mind is tired. I’m feeling defeated and worthless. You know how someone asks you how you are doing, and you instantly make a quick decision whether you are going to tell them the truth? Yea, that’s me right now. Most people don’t really want to know how you are doing, it’s just a nice thing to say.

I’ve been writing a lot this month, and trying to keep up with everything, but I really don’t think I’m accomplishing that. I guess I’m trying, and not giving up, so there’s that. That counts, right?

I think I’m going to check out today, and actually try to let my body heal. I’ve found that if I put on Chopin, it literally sends me into a state of calm that I’ve not experienced in a long time.

Unrealistic thoughts, fears of dooms day-ish things happening, fear of basically everything has been all consuming. It’s not rational, and my logical mind tells me that, but my ptsd mind runs off unattended and does it’s own thing. Reeling it in is a chore, but I have to work it.

What is EMDR

What is ART

Does this ever go away? In speaking with my long time therapist, she says that in my case it probably won’t, and that I’ll just have to learn to handle the symptoms and deal with it. We tried again to use EMDR, and ART therapy, but I failed miserably. She said that if it invokes anything negative, that we have to stop. My body reaction was bizarre, so she ended the session. We then focused on safe place, and I put the EMDR “buzzers” in my hands and tried to get that to help. It did a little, as I visualized my safe place. She did tell me that sometimes EMDR, and ART doesn’t work for some people. I guess I’m one of those. I was disappointed though because the success rate is high.

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Check out Rebel Miner’s book, Just Go Wild.

One day at a time. That’s all I can do. But there are some days where I feel my life is just wasted on trying to deal, process or cope with some kind of shit.



The cycle of mental health

Keywords: the cycle of depression, the vicious cycle of depression, how to break the cycle of depression, the cycle of depression therapist aid cycle of depression psychology

Analyzing Trauma continued

anonymous woman with tied hands against gray background

Analyzing Trauma continued

What is TRAUMA? Mirriam Webster defines trauma as: (I copied and pasted directly from this link, you can access it here. )



trau·​ma |  \ ˈtrȯ-mə   also ˈtrau̇-   \

plural traumas also traumata\ ˈtrȯ-​mə-​tə  also   ˈtrau̇-​   \

Definition of trauma

1a:  an injury (such as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent

ba disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury

c: an emotional upset the personal trauma of an executive who is not living up to his own expectations— Karen W. Arenson

2: an agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma

silhouette of man at daytime
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Trauma is the Greek word for “wound”. Although the Greeks used the term only for physical injuries, nowadays trauma is just as likely to refer to emotional wounds. We now know that a traumatic event can leave psychological symptoms long after any physical injuries have healed. The psychological reaction to emotional trauma now has an established name: post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. It usually occurs after an extremely stressful event, such as wartime combat, a natural disaster, or sexual or physical abuse; its symptoms include depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and recurring nightmares.“ cited directly from this link Merriam Webster.

How do we recover from trauma? Good question. One source stated there are phases to trauma recovery. Click here to read that article.

In this publication, it states that trauma recovery happens in these phases. (Click any underlined, or bold letters/words to see the article this information is cited from. )

“According to the Extended Transformational Model, trauma recovery happens in five stages:

  1. Pre-trauma characteristics. These refer to the traits and viewpoints you held before the trauma. You can think of this stage as your general state when the trauma occurs.
  2. Rumination. In this stage, your brain works to process the trauma and figure out what happened. You may have a lot of strong feelings and intrusive memories at this stage.
  3. Event centrality. This stage marks a turning point. Here, you take stock of how trauma has changed your life and what you want to do going forward. 
  4. Control. In this stage, you begin taking active steps to change your life and cope with your trauma symptoms.
  5. Mastery. Here, you begin to adjust to your new, post-trauma life, refining your coping skills as you go. While the trauma may still affect you, at this stage it no longer controls your life.

Each and every one of us handles trauma differently. You may not go through each phase or step the same as the next person. That’s ok.

What are the signs of emotional trauma?

Psychological Concerns: Anxiety and panic attacks, fear, anger, irritability, obsessions and compulsions, shock and disbelief, emotional numbing and detachment, depression, shame and guilt (especially if the person dealing with the trauma survived while others didn’t) Cited from Google search.

Trauma often causes PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. Mayo clinic states that PTSD can be caused from a person going through any kind of traumatic event, whether it’s emotional, or physical. (Click here to read the entire article).

What kind of mental disorders can be causes from trauma?

In my experience, here is what has happened to me, personally due to trauma.

Abuse of alcohol and prescription drugs. (past)
Diagnosis of PTSD, BPD, APD, GAD, MDD
Unable to function on a daily basis
Unable to keep a job
Thoughts of suicide, with at least one time having a plan to do so.

Trauma has been a part of my life since I was born. I know nothing else. I adapted certain coping mechanisms in order to survive. As I got older, they weren’t always healthy coping skills, but they got me through, none the less. (Though I wouldn’t recommend some of those ”coping skills” to anyone else.)

What has saved me these past few years is having a crisis number to call, having my therapist, and having coping skills. You an also text a crisis line now. 741741 is supposed to be a New York based non profit that responds and helps deescalate a situation, and then gets the person in touch with a local entity that can help them for further treatment. I haven’t tried it, yet. I usually call my local crisis line.

There is help. Please reach out to someone if you are feeling suicidal, or having morbid thoughts. Death is a permanent ending to this life on this planet. Permanent.

Analyzing trauma
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