Post Acute Withdrawal

Post Acute Withdrawal

Post Acute Withdrawl. (PAW)

Exerpted from “Staying Sober” by : Terence T. Gorski

“When most people think about alcoholism or drug addiction, they think only of the alcohol/drug-based symptoms and forget about the sobriety-based symptoms.  Yet it is the sobriety based symptoms, especially post acute withdrawal, that make sobriety so difficult.  The presence of brain dysfunction has been documented in 75-95% of the recovering alcoholics/addicts tested.  Recent research indicates that the symptoms of post-acute withdrawal associated with alcohol/drug related damage to the brain may contribute to many cases of relapse.

Post acute withdrawal is a group of symptoms of addictive disease that occur as a result of abstinence from addictive chemicals. In the alcoholic/addict these symptoms appear seven to fourteen days into abstinence, after stabilization from the acute withdrawal.

Post acute withdrawal is a bio-psycho-social syndrome   It results from the combination of damage to the nervous system caused by alcohol or drugs and the psychosocial stress of coping with life without drugs or alcohol.

Recovery causes a great deal of stress.  Many chemically dependent people never learn to manage stress without alcohol and drug use.  The stress aggravates the brain dysfunction and makes the symptoms worse.  The severity of PAW depends upon two things:  the severity of the brain dysfunction caused by the addiction and the amount of psychosocial stress experienced in recovery.

The symptoms of PAW typically grow to peak intensity over three to six months after abstinence begins.  The damage is usually reversible, meaning the major symptoms go away in time if proper treatment is received.  With proper treatment and effective sober living, it is possible to learn to live normally in spite of the impairments.  But the adjustment does not occur rapidly.  Recovery from the nervous system damage usually required from six to 24 months with the assistance of a healthy recovery program.  Recent research is showing that for some recovering people the symptoms of PAW often occur at regular “moon cycle” interval and without apparent outside stressors.  Often those 30, 60, 90, 120, 180, and 1 and 2 year sobriety dates seem to be “triggering” times for PAW symptoms to increase.  People recovering from long term opiate and stimulant use often have PAW symptoms for no apparent reason for up to 10 years after they have stopped using their drug of choice.  Often PAW symptoms appear to come and go without apparent reason and without any specific pattern.  Individuals who intend to have consistent long-term recovery must learn to recognize these symptoms and learn how to manage them.

Symptoms of Post Acute Withdrawal

The most identifiable characteristic is the inability to solve usually simple problems.  There are six major types of PAW symptoms that contribute to this.  They are the inability to think clearly, memory problems, emotional overreactions and numbness, sleep disturbances, physical coordination problems, and general problems managing stress.  The inability to solve usually simple problems because of any or all of these symptoms leads to diminished self esteem.  A person often feels incompetent, embarrassed, and “not okay” about themselves.  Diminished self esteem and the fear of failure interfere with productive and challenging living…”

I had studied all of this before, but as I read this, I realize that I need to keep focused.  I have experienced some of these symptoms, and luckily I have not relapsed.  It was very hard. I will better be able to handle recovery, if I understand what is happening.

Although, there have been times where I have fallen, face first, right off the wagon. It’s like the sticker stuck in your sock, that pokes your ankle but you can’t quite seem to find it. It’s always there. The thought of the sweet escape from whatever pain I’m feeling, is always there. Always. Dopamine is a powerful drug. Don’t ever think it’s your friend when you decide to reach for that unhealthy coping skill, because that skill could kill you. Trust me on that one. I’ve overdosed and only by the grace of God I am here to talk about it. Maybe one day I’ll write a post about it, but right now, I’m not ready.

depth photography of blue and white medication pill
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✌️Shassy

I need (love) coffee, and my #1 DOG

I need Coffee and my #1 DOG (from the archives 11-18-2021

Coffee. And if I am being honest, I really need a dedicated writing space…sitting here on my couch with my feet on the “coffee” table is ok for now, but knowing me, I’ll get antsy, and move to the bed.. lol…. Anyway, not that that is a big deal, whatever works, right? Oh, and the coffee is DECAFFEINATED. WTF is wrong with me…

Continuing on with the therapy mode of this blog…recently I’ve been struggling.. flashbacks, anxiety, little sleep…I guess I don’t sleep more than four hours a night anyway, but yea. I’m sure within this blog, there’s another blog about this same thing. Yes, I have a pill for anxiety, but I don’t like taking it because it knocks me out. I want to be present with this life, my life. If I live to be 90, I’ve already lived half of my life… and to some, I have nothing to show for it. To some… lets get into that. I have felt, for the majority of my adult life, that I have not been good enough, that I have failed, that I have made wrong decisions (which I have learned that I have). But… this feeling of being judged, of guilt, of shame. When is enough enough? How do I get past this? I felt like I was never doing good enough… blah blah. I’m sure my shrink will have an answer for me, after she digs it out of my own head. It goes back to this thing or that thing that happened during this or that time of my life. The only thing I’m good at now is putting up walls.

I’ve written some about my mother. Just to clarify, right now, I do not dislike or hate my mother. I love her as a human being, and as a person who is flawed like the rest of us. There are some things that I have come to the realization of, where she is concerned, and that is ok, it’s my progression and way of processing. This memoir is mine, and is in no way meant to put pad vibes or negative juju on her, or anyone for that matter. I say, and tell people, that if you don’t like what you read, then just move on. Easy peasy.

I’ve recently, joined Twitter. Well, I joined back in March, but didn’t really do anything until recently. Flakebook is irritating, so I deactivated for the time being. I want to finish the book I’ve been writing, for what seems to be a zillion years, and needed some support, I guess. There is a great community of writers there. :-).

Right now I feel scared, about what I’m not sure. This time of year can be a bumpy ride sometimes. I look at the D.O.G. who has saved me so many times, snoring on the other end of the couch, and wish I could just sleep like she does. She’s been washed for many years, of PA work, due to being attacked by another dog, and just plain being too stressed to work in the public anymore, but she still very much tasks for me at home. She alerts to things before I know what’s going on, and I am, on the daily, still amazed by what she “knows”. So what if she can’t do PA work anymore… I can’t function most of the time in public, so I have to understand that she is a living, breathing, feeling, soul… one who has flaws just like I do.

Just don’t try to break into my house… 🙂

I need coffee
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I need coffee

WARNING: Bad Language…Depression (from my archives 8-23-17)

man in blue and brown plaid dress shirt touching his hair

Warning: Bad Language…Depression

Shop timeless furniture at www.belleandjune.com

Lets talk about depression for a minute.  Or lets let me talk to my dogs about depression, since there isn’t anyone here.

This sucks.  This makes me feel hopeless and desolate.  I simply have to keep on living.  I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Somewhere.  Or is that my journey?  Always looking for the light and never finding it.   It fucking pisses me off to feel this way  I hate it.  I want to will it to be gone.  Period.

I have a faith, and am praying and I know that God is hearing these prayers.  It’s been proven.  I have to get my head out of this web of dust and dirt.  But it just seems to creep back in and pounce when I’m not expecting it.  This shit is real.  Real fucked up.

And it makes me angry.  Obviously.

Maybe I’ll look into getting a heavy bag.   Something I can kick and punch.  Get the pent up energy out…maybe I’ll lose some fat while I’m at it.

Jump, skip,.  I rearranged my bedroom.  Maybe I can get some better vibes with everything facing different directions now.   PPPAAAHAHAHHH!!!!!    Who am I kidding. You can’t feng scchhhwaaaayyy anything around here.

My brain fog is fogging things up.  Can’t keep a straight thought or make a clean sentence without saying fuck, or shit.  Fuckshit.

I’m outta here.  My head hurts.

Warning
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warning

Coming within the next few days!

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I need coffee.

Coffee. And if I am being honest, I really need a dedicated writing space…sitting here on my couch with my feet on the “coffee” table is ok for now, but knowing me, I’ll get antsy, and move to the bed.. lol…. Anyway, not that that is a big deal, whatever works, right? Oh, and the coffee is DECAFFEINATED. WTF is wrong with me…

Continuing on with the therapy mode of this blog…recently I’ve been struggling.. flashbacks, anxiety, little sleep…I guess I don’t sleep more than four hours a night anyway, but yea. I’m sure within this blog, there’s another blog about this same thing. Yes, I have a pill for anxiety, but I don’t like taking it because it knocks me out. I want to be present with this life, my life. If I live to be 90, I’ve already lived half of my life… and to some, I have nothing to show for it. To some… lets get into that. I have felt, for the majority of my adult life, that I have not been good enough, that I have failed, that I have made wrong decisions (which I have learned that I have). But… this feeling of being judged, of guilt, of shame. When is enough enough? How do I get past this? I felt like I was never doing good enough… blah blah. I’m sure my shrink will have an answer for me, after she digs it out of my own head. It goes back to this thing or that thing that happened during this or that time of my life. The only thing I’m good at now is putting up walls.

I’ve written some about my mother. Just to clarify, right now, I do not dislike or hate my mother. I love her as a human being, and as a person who is flawed like the rest of us. There are some things that I have come to the realization of, where she is concerned, and that is ok, it’s my progression and way of processing. This memoir is mine, and is in no way meant to put pad vibes or negative juju on her, or anyone for that matter. I say, and tell people, that if you don’t like what you read, then just move on. Easy peasy.

I’ve recently, joined Twitter. Well, I joined back in March, but didn’t really do anything until recently. Flakebook is irritating, so I deactivated for the time being. I want to finish the book I’ve been writing, for what seems to be a zillion years, and needed some support, I guess. There is a great community of writers there. :-).

Right now I feel scared, about what I’m not sure. This time of year can be a bumpy ride sometimes. I look at the D.O.G. who has saved me so many times, snoring on the other end of the couch, and wish I could just sleep like she does. She’s been washed for many years, of PA work, due to being attacked by another dog, and just plain being too stressed to work in the public anymore, but she still very much tasks for me at home. She alerts to things before I know what’s going on, and I am, on the daily, still amazed by what she “knows”. So what if she can’t do PA work anymore… I can’t function most of the time in public, so I have to understand that she is a living, breathing, feeling, soul… one who has flaws just like I do.

Just don’t try to break into my house… 🙂

Looking for information..MTHFR gene

Anyone have any information on MTHFR C677T homozygous T allele polymorphism, regulating homocysteine levels, osteoporosis, gut health in relation to, anxiety in relation to, MTHFR supplements, methylfote dosages in relation to, case notes, studies, … anything. If so could you message me for email for copies, sites, personal experience, etc. Please and thank you. ✌️💜

WARNING: Bad Language…Depression

Lets talk about depression for a minute.  Or lets let me talk to my dogs about depression, since there isn’t anyone here.

This sucks.  This makes me feel hopeless and desolate.  I simply have to keep on living.  I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Somewhere.  Or is that my journey?  Always looking for the light and never finding it.   It fucking pisses me off to feel this way  I hate it.  I want to will it to be gone.  Period.

I have a faith, and am praying and I know that God is hearing these prayers.  It’s been proven.  I have to get my head out of this web of dust and dirt.  But it just seems to creep back in and pounce when I’m not expecting it.  This shit is real.  Real fucked up.

And it makes me angry.  Obviously.

Maybe I’ll look into getting a heavy bag.   Something I can kick and punch.  Get the pent up energy out…maybe I’ll lose some fat while I’m at it.

Jump, skip,.  I rearranged my bedroom.  Maybe I can get some better vibes with everything facing different directions now.   PPPAAAHAHAHHH!!!!!    Who am I kidding. You can’t feng scchhhwaaaayyy anything around here.

My brain fog is fogging things up.  Can’t keep a straight thought or make a clean sentence without saying fuck, or shit.  Fuckshit.

I’m outta here.  My head hurts.

It’s Wednesday

Another good morning, then thump.  Upside my head…here it comes.  I just don’t understand how I can be good one minute and not wanting to be alive the next. “Should we up your dose?”  “What do you think we should do?”  That’s what they ask me.  I don’t freakin know…If I knew, I would have done it already.  Like 40 years ago.

**stops typing to take another pill**

 

 

Things change…

“A new idea cannot be grafted onto a closed mind…. Open-mindedness leads us to the very insights that have eluded us during our lives.”   This was the quote from my Just For Today reading.  It hit home for me in a lot of ways.  I feel sometimes like I am on a roller coaster of logic and emotion all at the same time.  Especially lately with the feeling that I have lost the love of my life.  My first initial reaction was hurt, quickly followed by anger, with which I lashed out.  I did apologize once I calmed down, and realized that hurt does not equate anger. I also realized that I still am very much in love with him and I have chosen to love him.

The reading today to me tells me to look outside of myself to the kind of person I want to be.  The kind of person I believe that I am, in my heart and soul.  I mentioned previously that I can’t do anything other than love.  I can be bitchy, mean, and vengeful, but that’s not me, and I don’t like myself when I am like that, so it just doesn’t fit me.  Some people can do that, I just can’t.  I hate feeling angry and bitter…it physically makes me sick.

What I wonder is how can I love someone who doesn’t want it?  Good question. I don’t know. I don’t know how long I can continue to do that, and how long it’s going to be before I can’t be sustained by the love that I create, by myself. A friend told me to be careful…she said don’t wait too long, or you might open yourself up to more heartbreak and false expectations.  She said she had done it once, and had gotten let down horribly and felt more defeated than initially. Me being me, I will have to figure it out on my own.  I’ll have to take it one day at a time, and just keep moving forward.  Right now the thought of being with anyone else, simply isn’t there.  I want to fight, but I can’t…it’s not in my hands.  If I were to buck up and pull away, it would just make me hurt worse…so I take what I can get at this point.  I will not be a lost puppy though…even if that’s the way I feel.  I will be open and honest, but I am something to be valued, and I will not lose that value.  Something that I think isn’t understood is that I know that I am worthy of love.  And I know how to love, I’m good at it. I do not know what God has planned for me, and I cannot see into the future, but I can pray for His help and guidance to see me through this part of my life.  God can only work in a persons life if they let him.  Giving up control is an across the board action, not a pick and choose action.  If you give it up, then it’s got to be everything, not just what you feel like that day.

Sometimes, God will intercede for you.  How cool is that?  “Yo God, you got this for me??”  “Sure..I got your back”.   I’ve seen it happen, and it is absolutely awesome.  Another really amazing thing I have done is fasted and prayed for someone.  Yea, I know what some think…that it’s a crock, and why do you have to fast to pray.  Well, you don’t.  But something happens when you do, and until someone has actually done it…it’s completely impossible to explain.  As I am typing this, the feeling I had in my chest has left…I have learned to know what God’s voice sounds like in my life.  And if I am open…the answers come to me.  It’s another really cool thing to experience.  To know God.  To figure out how he talks to you. Or me.  I really like it, and it completely comforts me…it takes away all the angst and heartache…He doesn’t always make it so I can’t experience the pain, and learn from it, but when there’s something I need to do, He knows that I have to be rid of the distractions, in order to do what I need to.  Or what He needs me to do.  Sometimes I don’t know, I just know that I need to complete a task.

So from the beginning when I started typing this, I was confused and torn as to what I needed to do next.  How I needed to handle the feeling of loss from the one that I love.  Now, towards the end of my post…I only feel the need to do one thing.  My love has not disappeared…it’s very much there…but I have the task of doing what I know I should be, at this moment.  I have the faith…now I just have to lean on it.

Prayer changes things.  Period.

working through it….

Well, I spent last night feeling confused, isolated, hurt…it seems so hard to accept  pain sometimes.  I’ve managed to work out the anger that has stemmed from that pain.  But the sorrow is still there.  I catch myself tearing up for no reason now. I don’t understand how God works sometimes….why things have to happen the way they do.  I don’t understand how I can continue to love.  I mean I do…logically…but emotionally…it really hits home.  The whole circle of love, hate, good, evil…or whatever.  I can’t make someone not be afraid, or want to take a chance, or trust, or anything…we can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want.  I just don’t understand why sometimes it seems like a good thing gets taken away, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Sorrow is a strong emotion and it causes a lot of regrettable actions….this I know from experience. Once again I had to apologize for my stupidity and lack of ability to think logically through an illogical emotion.  The subsequent feeling or thought of sorrow, for me is “what did I do wrong”.  Or why can’t someone take a chance, in a healthy way and trust me?  Maybe I haven’t been trustworthy…I don’t know. Maybe I try to hard…or not enough… or something.  All I know is right now I’m filled with loss…I’m sure this will pass…everything does.  But strong feelings and emotions, depending on the person, can alter chemical process for a long time. I’m addressing a lot of those types of situations at present, but I don’t have all the answers.  And I’m tired

I feel like I just lost my best friend.