The cycle of mental health
I know there’s others out here that struggle. I know there is. The anxiety, fear, agoraphobia, heart palpitations. The questioning of everything. “Am I losing my mind?” “What’s wrong with me?”
Currently I am fighting a revolution of self doubt, self loathing, physical autoimmune flare ups, which I don’t think is a coincidence as there have been many studies that link autoimmune, to mental health and trauma. Here’s an article on it from a trusted source.
I’ve spent my entire life, literally, trying to feel ok, and being in a fight or flight situation. I’m tired. My body is tired, my mind is tired. I’m feeling defeated and worthless. You know how someone asks you how you are doing, and you instantly make a quick decision whether you are going to tell them the truth? Yea, that’s me right now. Most people don’t really want to know how you are doing, it’s just a nice thing to say.
I’ve been writing a lot this month, and trying to keep up with everything, but I really don’t think I’m accomplishing that. I guess I’m trying, and not giving up, so there’s that. That counts, right?
I think I’m going to check out today, and actually try to let my body heal. I’ve found that if I put on Chopin, it literally sends me into a state of calm that I’ve not experienced in a long time.
Unrealistic thoughts, fears of dooms day-ish things happening, fear of basically everything has been all consuming. It’s not rational, and my logical mind tells me that, but my ptsd mind runs off unattended and does it’s own thing. Reeling it in is a chore, but I have to work it.
Does this ever go away? In speaking with my long time therapist, she says that in my case it probably won’t, and that I’ll just have to learn to handle the symptoms and deal with it. We tried again to use EMDR, and ART therapy, but I failed miserably. She said that if it invokes anything negative, that we have to stop. My body reaction was bizarre, so she ended the session. We then focused on safe place, and I put the EMDR “buzzers” in my hands and tried to get that to help. It did a little, as I visualized my safe place. She did tell me that sometimes EMDR, and ART doesn’t work for some people. I guess I’m one of those. I was disappointed though because the success rate is high.
Check out Rebel Miner’s book, Just Go Wild.
One day at a time. That’s all I can do. But there are some days where I feel my life is just wasted on trying to deal, process or cope with some kind of shit.
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