Published by Shassy on 19 Feb 23
The things I wish I knew when I was younger, parenting with unknown and undealt with trauma. The amazing love for my babies.
Stop. Just stop what your doing and sit in nature. Bring in close those you love.
Talk more about feelings and emotions, if that doesn’t come easy, find a way. Write, sing, draw, whatever… learn to handle them.
Throw away the preconceived notions of what the “rules” are when you have babies. If it feels right to snuggle them after breast feeding, (or bottle feeding) then do it. If it feels right to co-sleep, then do it. Carry your baby on your body in one of those baby slings…. They grow up too fast, you’ll miss those moments later.
Teach your children to respect and mind… forget all this crap of sparing the rod, and “oh, but what if it hurts their feelings?”
Life is going to hurt their feelings, it’s our responsibility as parents to teach them to not get steam rolled by it. Ingraining a sense of respect for fellow humans, earth and animals should be taught…we may live on this planet, but it’s also our responsibility to act like we like it and we should take care of it.
Punish when necessary. Loving discipline is an absolute necessity. It’s not abuse, it’s teaching young what the rules of life are.
You may think this a bad comparison, but I don’t care. Animals in the wild scold and reprimand their young… watch a pack of coyotes, or horses, or primates… we are humans and we have dominion over the earth, and we must act as stewards. Teaching our own offspring not to be little shits, should be one of the most important things a parent does.
I know there are some people that are just rotten, and no amount of discipline is going to change them. I believe that there are elements in place that we cannot see, playing a part, influencing and trying to cause havoc. (Think spiritual warfare if you are a Christian/believer in a higher power.)
What a child learns and is exposed to up until the age of five to eight, will stick with them the rest of their lives. No matter what.
We as parents need to do better. We need to be stronger for our children, but also make sure they KNOW they are loved and teach them the ways to be.
Right from wrong, not if it feels good then do it. Teach them that it’s ok to not win, or not get a prize, because that’s going happen when they grow up, and if they can’t handle it, then we have an adult child with no way to deal with life.
Life. Would you say it has ups and downs? That it’s always perfect? Of course not, life is constantly changing. It ebbs and flows.
If we were fortunate enough to have parents that instilled in us some way to deal, we were lucky.
If we had any trauma during life, then we developed a way to cope. Be it good or bad.
Psychology will say it’s this or that, or this imbalance, or that chemical reaction in the brain that develops to allow the person to live. Those things are all true.
But I see today so many people just plain not giving a fuck, or thinking that “life will teach them”. Yea, life will. But with no support from home, and no belief system, no set parameters…. It makes everything that much harder.
I made many mistakes while I was a young parent, as we all do. Because I don’t know of any baby born with a personalized instruction manual.
But I did my best with what I had. When I felt like I screwed up, I apologized. Unbeknownst to me, I had undiagnosed traumas, and felt some days I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
But my kids knew I had their backs. I told them I loved them. I sucked at homework, because I didn’t even understand it. I could go on and on about all the things I felt I did wrong, but I won’t.
Because my kids are awesome. They both graduated college, they both have good jobs, and are on their own life journey. They are growing into their own, forging their path, and it’s wonderful.
But ya know what? They got disciplined as children, they were given choices and outcomes for their decisions. And yes, I spanked my kids. Didn’t have to do it very often, because they learned that was a consequence that they didn’t like, and if they made a different choice… it wouldn’t happen. I also restricted things they enjoyed if needed. I tried to make the punishment fit the crime. I hope I did ok. I think so… they may say different, but I think that’s the nature of parenting.
We are still on the parent/offspring journey. Parenting doesn’t end when they move out. They are adults now and I must respect their decisions for their lives… though sometimes it’s hard to sit back and just watch them learn on their own, without opening my big mouth and giving unasked for advice. (Which I’m good at). 🙄
All in all, I felt I was tough with my kids, but they also stayed out of jail, and respected authority… with a little rebellion thrown in now and then, because that’s just what happens. They may have a different perspective on that too, and that’s ok. Now and then they’ll tell me stories of things they did that I didn’t know about…. Lol… or so they think. 😉
And now… it’s gone. My cherished babies grew up in a blink. Literally. I think back and sometimes just sit there wondering how all these years went by so fast. I remember telling myself when I was younger to grasp onto these moments because they’ll be gone in a blink… and as life always does, it’s taught me that it really does flash by.
We are but a blip in the matrix of time.
So stop and show your children the flower, or cool looking bug. Walk with them and teach them to relax, because life will pressure them. They need to learn to release. And for goodness sake, get that electronic device out from in front of their face. 🤦🏻♀️
I remember one instance when I was going through the divorce from my son’s father. My son was struggling with emotions his little mind and body didn’t know how to process. He was acting out and I told him to go to his room until he could get calmed down and not throw a fit. So he did.
I stood outside his door and cried as I listened to him throw his toys and cry out in frustration. I gave him some time and when he quieted I knocked on his door. He was whimpering, and I asked him if he was ok, and this little person answered me back and said…
“Mommy I just feel like I need a hug”.
So opened his door and gave him that hug.
He didn’t know how to process, so I let him feel it and work through it, and helped him when he asked.
Also it broke my heart to have to let him learn. Just broke it in two.
I watched my daughter go through sumiliar emotional experiences, and it was just as absolutely heartbreaking as well… she was more like me, introverted, hated having her picture taken… didn’t know how to just “talk”… (at least with me) like me…and when she got to be a teenager, did not want to talk about anything with me. But that was ok, just hard. I’m sure I wasn’t the easiest person to talk to either. I know I wasn’t.
I remember holding her as a baby while she was working through a crying spell. I told her that I was sorry she was feeling bad, and my little baby girl laid in my arms and just cried for a while. Then she stopped. I just stared at her. She was so perfect to me. So so perfect. My little baby person in my arms felt so right.
I also apologized to her for failing her and not giving her a mom and dad who stayed together. At the time I didn’t know what else to do, so I just said that I was sorry. (Again, I didn’t even know what was wrong with me, but I knew my baby was the most important thing).
I didn’t know how much a person could love so much and be so instinctively protective, until I birthed my children. Motherhood is amazing. Regardless if you give birth, or adopt. It’s one of the most precious gifts God has given us… though I could have dealt with no labor pains… but that’s another blog post for another time. 😁
Say I love you, give that hug, talk those talks, teach those rights from wrongs. Let them play in the dirt and run around in the mud puddles. Teach them respect for other living creatures, and where the air we breathe comes from. (Wonder that?… think about it for a minute). Give them that hug, and take those mental pictures of your babies, and seal them tight within your heart. You’ll want them later. Swat that butt, take those car keys, wash that mouth out with soap. (Yes I did that… except it was a dab of soap, not a bubbled mouth full…lol).
They may hate you for it at the time, but they’ll also not forget who had their backs.
If you don’t know the ways, then reach out for help to find them. You made your kids, right? Take that seriously. There’s lots of help out there if you just ask.
I love you Bean and Woubee. You are the absolute best thing I’ve ever done.
My Girl and commercial dog food. I’ll only feed this.