I felt beat down and completely defeated. It’s over now, but it was frustrating. I don’t understand how it’s ok to work and make progress, but at the same time feel like there’s nothing I can do to make any more progress.
Since 2008, I’ve been very unsettled…rolling around like a tumble weed. Moved around, been homeless, car-less, hungry, broke, beat up…And now that’s all behind me. I’ve come to the point where some big ole semi just hit and blew that tumbleweed into a million pieces, and one of those seeds has landed in fresh dirt. Time to settle. It is a bit scary, cuz I realized the other night that I am a little afraid of settling, because it may mean I will be alone. I haven’t thought of that before. The realization of that feeling was interesting. I should say that for the most part, being alone is just fine with me. I don’t like it all the time; hope that God sees fit to give me a partner to grow old with, hope that I grow old…lol…but sometimes I do get lonely, like most people. I work through it, and move on. And since the beginning of the year, I write about how I am feeling. God won’t give me more than I can handle and I won’t try to create shit either. Then every once in a while I get mad at myself for trusting and believing, only to be let down. It’s happened more than once. I’m afraid that I will become stagnant like I mentioned before…like some part of me is going to die inside if I’m not careful. I don’t like that thought, or the feeling I get. But there have been days in the last few weeks that I have felt exactly that way…like part of me is dead. I know that those types of things are completely up to me to change, or keep alive and I want to make sure and do that. I want to STAY ALIVE.
I want this feeling in my chest to go away too. I don’t like it. I feel like I am stuck…like I shouldn’t allow certain things to infiltrate my life, but because I love, I can’t seem to make it stop. Then I think that if I just keep going like I am, I’ll forget how to love in a good, healthy way, when and if it is time to do that. Will I get used to being pushed aside? There is no hatefulness or intentional cruelity going on, but there is the knowledge of how I feel, and the decision to not change and grow. I still don’t understand why. I just don’t.
This seems like an all over the place post…evidently my thoughts are that right now. Very disjointed.
Don’t give up, hang in there! God is indeed in control of all things. I too am lonely for companionship. Know that you are in my prayers.
Sandy
I am not giving up…getting over…but not giving up. 🙂
Thank you! You are in mine as well…
Change is so hard for all of us. Life is very hard for a lot of people now. You have the economy issues and social issues. When one is struggling still you can easily reflect on your past of homeless, car-less, hungry, broke, beat up and you do not want to go back that path but the your are scared of slipping back. Take one day at a time and love the little things in life. I really think it is the devils way of trying to get us back to the thinks we do to reduce pain and suffering in life.