It’s Wednesday

Another good morning, then thump.  Upside my head…here it comes.  I just don’t understand how I can be good one minute and not wanting to be alive the next. “Should we up your dose?”  “What do you think we should do?”  That’s what they ask me.  I don’t freakin know…If I knew, I would have done it already.  Like 40 years ago.

**stops typing to take another pill**



This sucks

Depression sucks. It’s all consuming sometimes and it makes me feel like I’m in a dark hole , trying to claw my way out.

I do my coping skills that my therapist and I discuss.  I think about all the blessings I have in my life. My kids, my grandbaby, my animals.  I sit outside and get fresh air, sunlight, nourishment from the earth. I don’t drink like I used to…that only made things worse. I take my medication like I’m supposed to.

So why am I still consumed with this bullshit?  I become paralyzed with fear…for what reason? My logical mind tells me there’s no reason to be fearful. But my irrational mind says to be on guard, aware..keep looking over your shoulder. “Be careful” it says. “There’s always something out there to get you”.


I’m so tired of all of this. So so tired.