This was a post I put on the book of faces, and thought I’d share here for those who don’t use facebook.
Am I a victim or am I a survivor? I was thinking about that this morning, while also listening to a Joyce Meyer podcast… I don’t know how that works, but my brain is constantly over stimulated. Sometimes I have to go back and re-read or listen… anyway… I digress…
Victim? Yes, I was a victim. I had things taken from me against my wishes. Did it f*ck me up? Yep. Sure did.
Survivor? Absofrickinglutley. I am a survivor, despite suicidal ideation, bpd, major depressive disorder, ptsd, cptsd, apd, and something else I can’t remember.
The thing is, is all that happened, still helped create the person I am today. I am not the person I was 20 years ago… if you knew me then, you don’t know me now. A huge culmination of good and bad made me.
When I realized some things… which I won’t get into now, because I think insta has a character limit…I started trying to understand and fix me. I still am. For a long time.
Recently I’ve been working on forgiveness. For myself. I can forgive others, but not myself. I can get drug down by the weight of guilt, that it affects me so negatively both mental, physically, and spiritually. But I’m also a saved born again Christian. (December 24th, 1993).
I see a therapist, I pray, I question, I analyze…. Trying to find the why to the what. I know my faults, my many mistakes, I know this… I try to do the very best to correct myself.
But… at some point I have to let go and let God. Recently he’s been talking to me a lot, helping me, reminding me that I am a child of God, and my name is in the book. Guilt is not of Him, but you can bet your britches that the fallen one knows your weakness, and can and will oppress you. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. Period.
I am not a narcissist, (I was tested with some kind of psychological thing that took a quite a while, by a licensed therapist with over 20 years experience dealing with trauma and people, in 2019,)… so bonus🤣I am probably a little self centered, we all are in some ways. But I’m not what you think I am. (You… as in just a person in general).
I’m tired of worrying about who thinks what about me. Git after it bruh… I don’t care any more.
I consider my relationship with God to be somewhat private. I’ve seen miracles happen in other people’s lives, and my own. I learned how to hear God.. we learned to communicate. He knows how I need to hear it…make sense? I don’t often share that part of my life, and I’m not sure why. So today I am. After literally falling to my knees, ugly crying, and begging for help…He gave it.
He’s continued to give it, regardless of how far I’ve travelled down the wrong path. You know what else is cool? I know what my guardian angel looks like. I have to, he’s saved my a$$ so many times it’s ridiculous. Only through God was I able to know…some things I can’t explain, but I don’t question.
I’m not a Bible thumping “git your butt to church” Christian. I won’t judge you…I may get irritated, or have a cob up my butt, but I’ll get over it, because there’s no way I even have the right to judge another…I’m a human full of flaws, still learning, and still crying out to God for help. Over and over…he says “I’ve got you girl”
Never fails.
This is my favorite bible. It explains in easy to understand scripture. Click the picture to try it out. It was a game changer in learning to understand what God is telling me.
✌️
Shassy
keywords: amplified bible, God, recovery, understanding, relationship with God
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