To love or not to love….hmmm…

horsie kiss

So, for the last few days I’ve been wondering why I love someone who can’t or won’t love me back.  And why I even want that love.  I started over analyzing and wondered if it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t feel loved as a child, or rather that those that I did feel love for and loved me, got removed from my life in some sort of way.  Has that psychological damage followed me to some extent through out life?  I wonder.  I don’t want to create a reason, if it’s not there.  But why on earth have I picked someone who can’t reciprocate?  I’ve had other relationships…abusive ones, liars, cheaters…you know the whole country song….well, I guess my dogs haven’t left me.  HA…Skeeter I’m trying to figure out why I am still hanging on.  I have gone back and forth…one day I buck up and say…”I can’t do this anymore, I’m moving on”.  Then the next day I say..”No, I love you too much…it just won’t go away”.  I have many invitations for dates…no, I’m not all that and a bag of chips.  But I do get asked out.  So I think…should I go?  Almost INSTANTLY I hear in my head, “no”.  Yuck…I don’t even want to be with anyone else.  I’m fine alone most of the time.  There are those moments that I’m not ok being alone, but that passes.  I am human after all, and with this new task of dealing with all my pent up emotions, I must realize that I am a lover by nature…I don’t always like being by myself.  I’ll survive, but I don’t like it.  But back to what I’m rambling about.  Why do I love the unreachable…and am I just being used?  I don’t think the intent is that.  I’m leaning on love and hoping that their heart is true and filled with honest motivation.  I choose to believe that.  I’m a better person when I see the good in people instead of the bad.  Granted, I have to be aware and cautious…I can’t be completely blind to others not so loving actions.  But I can choose how to react.  Frick…I keep getting off track…this is supposed to be therapeutic for me to work through what obstacles I have in front of me.  Maybe there’s more I need to deal with than just wondering why I love someone who doesn’t want to love me back.  Like maybe my choices as to how I deal and handle that.  So how do I do that.  With the fluctuation of feelings from one day to the next sometimes, it’s kinda hinky.  I can usually recognize that up and down thing, and know that it’s important to realize my thought process is under the influence of a strong emotion.  I try to always think logically, but that doesn’t work all the time.  I am a breathing, feeling, human being and with that comes a shit-storm of emotion.  And sometimes I just don’t get it.  I know that not everything will be understood, but it’s frustrating for me sometimes to not be able to “fix it”.  I tend to try to do that a lot, and it doesn’t always work.  I have to remember that I am not in control, and therefore I cannot fix everything all the time.  UGH.  Pain in my ass.

So how do I deal with loving someone who doesn’t think he can love me back.  I think that’s what’s been decided.  That love isn’t being given to me like I wanted.  At least that’s kinda what’s been mentioned.  How can one person know that their love isn’t enough for another?  Is there too much fear to love me?  Is there too big of a fear of getting hurt?  Or is there simply the lack of wanting to love me.  I don’t know.  People are different, love is sometimes different. There are some things that love DOES NOT do, but I always thought that when people loved, they showed it and wanted to show it.  Who knows.  Maybe I’m trying to control it too much.  I do know that I’m trying to not hurt.  I think I’m afraid of the heart ache that I will go through if I completely turn away.  I can compartmentalize pretty well when I have to, it’s just not always proven positive in the past.  It’s good sometimes, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, I’ve found that it’s not always the way to go.

I’ve thought about that though.  Making the choice to move on.  Right now my choice is to not move on.  But it’s soooooooo frustrating sometimes!!!!!  I have such a hard time with the grey area…I don’t do grey area well…at all.  Which is probably why I am feeling so lost right now and why I feel like I don’t know how to handle this.  This is a huge grey area for me. Then I add in my choice for how I live my life.  In the past I would have grabbed a drink, or a pill, more recently, to help me “deal”…(ha…that’s an oxymoron, deal with issues with a pill or drink???….not).  I have to remind myself on a really trying day that I don’t want to do it that way.  I like it better this way, but old habits die hard, and the bad ones even harder.  But the thought of moving on, just doesn’t seem right.  Or maybe I’m making that excuse up.  I don’t think so.  Not at this point.  I’m just not ready to give up yet. If and when that time comes, I don’t think I will feel like I’ve given up.  I think I will have accepted the reality of the situation.  Do I hope that he will want to love me again?  YES.   Will I be ABLE to wait forever, no, I don’t think so.  I like to love.  And I think that eventually I will know that if he doesn’t want to love me, that someone else will want to.  I don’t know God’s plans for my life.  I want to, and I want to hear what He has to say.  I pray everyday for His will to be in my life…and I also know that doubt and confusion is not of God.  So, in saying that, I am just reminded that I need to let go and let God handle it.  Anything is possible.  And I will keep the faith.

Peace out.  (Yea…I don’t know why I’m putting that on all my posts…must be going through a phase. )  🙂

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