sand on the beach baby…

In the past I have listened to so many different opinions on life, love and the pursuit of happiness.  (Cliché’, yes, this I know) .  A few years ago, I decided to take all that info and make up my own mind…yes, this I know as well, is not a new dimension into life…but I got tired of trying to make everyone else happy.  You can’t make people happy anyway.  So, I decided that I was ok with my own thoughts and feelings, and thus began a journey.  One that I wasn’t expecting, to be truthful. I’ve said a lot of this before but as I continue to attempt to keep an open mind and heart, I sometimes look back and see new things in the old, and therefore sometimes I can be open in a different way.  It’s cool…This I am sure is also not something new in the scope of things, but it’s the little victories in life that add up to the big ones…I like to experience life…all of it.  Life is about change and consistency at the same time…

So I find myself sitting here at 0300 realizing that I have and am a completey different person than I always thought I would be.  I don’t want to say that I am worse, because I don’t think I am.  I think I am doing my best to be the person God wants me to be…I’m just not exactly sure who that person is.  Years ago, I thought I had figured out what my purpose, or “job” was…and maybe at that time, I was right.  Now I feel it is something else…or maybe it’s just an extension of what I originally thought.  I do feel like each one of us has a purpose, job, task, whatever you want to call it.  Finding that purpose is difficult sometimes.  I often wonder if and when I get old, if I’m going to realize that my purpose was simply in my life and how I lived it. So, with that in mind, especially these last few years, it’s been so important for me to be a survivor, and not a victim.  People will always judge and point fingers…and for the most part I haven’t given two shits about what people think about me.  That is still generally true, except that I want to be good…I want to do my best.  Fortunately I have that strong faith to see me through…even when I stray or fall.  I know that I know that I know that God is there.

“I’m changing…Like the way the ocean changes the particles of sand, slowly, each time the waves come in. Quietly, gently moving, rearranging so that everything fits right into place, like it was always meant to be that way. It’s wonderful and terribly heart breaking at the same time. But like that force that creates the perfect alignment of every particle, every piece in it’s exact place…I have equally less power to stop it. It is as should be.”

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