I felt beat down and completely defeated. It’s over now, but it was frustrating. I don’t understand how it’s ok to work and make progress, but at the same time feel like there’s nothing I can do to make any more progress.
Since 2008, I’ve been very unsettled…rolling around like a tumble weed. Moved around, been homeless, car-less, hungry, broke, beat up…And now that’s all behind me. I’ve come to the point where some big ole semi just hit and blew that tumbleweed into a million pieces, and one of those seeds has landed in fresh dirt. Time to settle. It is a bit scary, cuz I realized the other night that I am a little afraid of settling, because it may mean I will be alone. I haven’t thought of that before. The realization of that feeling was interesting. I should say that for the most part, being alone is just fine with me. I don’t like it all the time; hope that God sees fit to give me a partner to grow old with, hope that I grow old…lol…but sometimes I do get lonely, like most people. I work through it, and move on. And since the beginning of the year, I write about how I am feeling. God won’t give me more than I can handle and I won’t try to create shit either. Then every once in a while I get mad at myself for trusting and believing, only to be let down. It’s happened more than once. I’m afraid that I will become stagnant like I mentioned before…like some part of me is going to die inside if I’m not careful. I don’t like that thought, or the feeling I get. But there have been days in the last few weeks that I have felt exactly that way…like part of me is dead. I know that those types of things are completely up to me to change, or keep alive and I want to make sure and do that. I want to STAY ALIVE.
I want this feeling in my chest to go away too. I don’t like it. I feel like I am stuck…like I shouldn’t allow certain things to infiltrate my life, but because I love, I can’t seem to make it stop. Then I think that if I just keep going like I am, I’ll forget how to love in a good, healthy way, when and if it is time to do that. Will I get used to being pushed aside? There is no hatefulness or intentional cruelity going on, but there is the knowledge of how I feel, and the decision to not change and grow. I still don’t understand why. I just don’t.
This seems like an all over the place post…evidently my thoughts are that right now. Very disjointed.
Here’s a Story 