I am not what you think.

So, this post is going to be a little random, as I’ve been posting thoughts on facebook, but not finishing them…Today….

We all care about what others think, on some level. Some show it more than others, and some hide their feelings. But if you really are interested in another, you will pay attention to those little idiosyncrasies…sometimes they can be a cry for help, acknowledgment, or just a little love. And you know what, its ok to give it, in a healthy way. If they push you away…at least you tried….I say this because I’m famous for trying to make people accept something they do not want. I think love can fix everything, but it can’t. And in the end I get frustrated, when I should have just left it up to God, He would have saved me the worry/heartache…even tho I’ve screwed up again, He still welcomes me back with Grace and forgiveness.

I find it so frustrating sometimes because I was told that I come across as bitchy and mean.  But I am NOT trying to be that way.  If they really knew me, and had tried to get to know me, then I don’t think that would be the case.  No one else seems to think that.   I believe the motivation behind actions is important…and I try to be a good person, and my motivation is never to hurt or be mean.  Maybe it’s because it’s easier to be defensive and take on that thought process, than to maybe hear what the other person is saying. Even when I tried to be super nice, and walk on eggshells, I still got shot down…there was no intimacy, no communication…nothing. And if I listen to him, what he is saying to me, then I am believing his opinion of me…which is that I am a bad person…but I know that I am not what he says, so I don’t agree.  I know in the past, I have gotten defensive when I know what the person is saying to me, is right.  I just didn’t want to hear it.  I wanted it to be my idea.

I don’t know, it really doesn’t matter, cuz no one can be forced to do anything.  It’s just sad, and it hurts.  I could talk till I was blue in the face, and he wouldn’t believe me. And the more I “analyze”, as he says, the more defensive he got.  I guess it really doesn’t matter, it’s been over since April.  Love just doesn’t go away.  But it also can’t be nurtured without two people wanting it.  Such is life.

Anywho…I copied a couple posts I had on fb, into this post.

30 May 2013

It’s interesting how this feeling of contentment intermingles and conjugates with waves of heartache and longing. It’s funny how the soul chooses to heal itself, if allowed to freely process and feel without the hindrance of dysfunction. The end result is like a perfect spring or fall day, quietly smelling the air, and listening to the hoofbeats and breaths of your horse…when no one else is around. Satisfaction.

18 June 2013…

I’m sitting at work, doing my thing which requires me to pretty much not talk, and focus. (no, keeping my mouth shut isn’t that difficult, ALL of the time..lol). And I’m suddenly and completely paralyzed with fear…along with a full out panic attack. It’s a good thing I was sitting because I might have done so involuntarily….anyway being that I don’t take any benzos, or opiates anymore, the only thing i could do was pray, and pray hard. So I did for like 30 minutes. I just prayed…i prayed for forgiveness for the totally screwed up decisions that I have made in the last few years…and you know what happened…peace, calmness, contentment…and forgiveness..from my screw ups. This is different than before, because before i would just buy some booz and pop a couple pills.
Thank God for grace.

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