Today I feel as though I am drowning or sinking. The new medications take time, if they are going to work.  The one that I felt was working, chemical balancing wise, I was allergic to, and couldn’t take.  Figures.  My hands and feet, knees and hips are sore. And I am retaining ginormous amounts of water….which is showing up on the scale.  When I wake in the morning I am swollen…you can’t even see any bones in my ankles or feet.  I’m dealing with another bout of agoraphobia…I feel safer going out after dark. I am so sick and tired of this roller coaster ride of shit stained emotions.  Sometimes I wonder why I just can’t have a normal life…not a normal few months, but a normal life…life that is not riddled with fear and tears. A life that is not imprinted with bad relationships, a life not feeling so alone sometimes.  Not only being alone…yea…I’m alone, but seriously alone.  I have no one to lean on and if, IF I do, I feel as though I am a burden. Or like they are going to look at me like I’m crazy.  I’m not crazy, I promise.  But it’s hard for others to understand that sometimes. At least I think it is. Who knows.

I’m very thankful intermixed with all this sinking feeling.  I know I have those that love me, and those that support me.  It’s just hard some days. And today is one of those days.