I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since I’ve been on leave, and some stuff that pops into my head is just bizarre. Like for instance…I have had about 4 “nightmares”. I put them in quotes because a nightmare for me could just be considered weird for others. This being because I have never had nightmare, never ever….Not at all. I can/could watch the scariest movie and not have a nightmare. (I don’t know why they call it nightmares, it makes me think of going out to the pasture and seeing my mares at night…not at all bad, rather enjoyable actually.)
Anyway, he put me on medication to help with nightmares, that I wasn’t having–until after taking the medication. What a wonderful way to start the month. He also put me medication to help me sleep, for which it did not; but it did help me look like a toad. That I can’t stand– I can’t handle a body image issues right now, I’m dealing with too many other things. So I decided to be my own doctor and wean myself off of the so-called sleeping medication and I quit taking the medication that was supposed to help me not have nightmares, although I still don’t know why he prescribed that for me because I wasn’t having nightmares until after I started taking it. Which doesn’t make any fucking sense whatsoever. So I’ve been off of the sleeping medication and I almost instantly dropped about 10 pounds. But that isn’t enough. And again, you guessed it he had to change my medication again because obviously what he had put me on wasn’t working. Captain Obvious finally listened to me when I told him I wasn’t going to be a guinea pig. I understand that I need a mood stabilizer…. That part I get. But I also know some things about what I can and cannot put into my body…remind me to tell you my ambien story….anyway…I told him I needed a powerful, old school sleeping medication… I need to be pretty much doped up and tranquilized to sleep due to my high anxiety and fear issues. So…that’s what he did. This past week I have slept between five and six hours a night…and let me tell you that is a freakin miracle. I haven’t done that in forever…I mean like FOREVER….since Reagan was in office I think. Seriously. Anyway, so now I have started a simple workout plan that I can do at home, and my shrink and I have set a target date for me to go back to work. Although she only wants me to work part time and during he day. (That should be interesting trying to convince a multi billion dollar company to let me make my own schedule. Haha.)
So the title of this post is dealing with it. Some people have been wondering what the fuck I have to deal with. And when I give them the shortened version, they usually just say “man that sucks.” Yea it does suck. But what I don’t say is that he beat me, raped me–more than once. Then when I finally got the nerve to walk away, he couldn’t handle it. Then came the stalking and home invasion. And a host of years of not being able to function, therapy, losing it all…home, vehicles, horses…everything. I was homeless at one point in 2011. So I finally learn that I can’t be around hostility or violence, I learn to watch and figure out what the red flags were/are…I learn that all the years of hostility have affected me. (Well duh..I’ve already figured that out.) And in that process, the “triggers” have been removed. Alcohol has been removed from it’s pedestal….holds no bandaging properties any longer. What I’ve been told recently though is “don’t live in the past”. Well, I’m not. But trauma causes lingering affects that, if not dealt with, cause issues. I’d like that person to tell a combat veteran, who has seen combat, to “not live in the past”. Good luck on that one. Or a cop that has been in a situation where he has had to draw his gun and shoot…good luck with that one too. Hence my losing everything…etc etc. So fast forward to 2013. I find a job that I like, and also find two people who are hostile. So, if you have ever had that dream where you are falling?? That’s what it was like for me…flashbacks, panic attacks….and I find myself on leave and in intense therapy, feeling hopeless and fearful. Number one, I should’nt have to feel that way at work. There is no number two. So here we are. I have to figure out a way to go to my supervisors and tell them that another employee has been hostile and it’s been directed towards me. That should go over well. Given that the other employee is in a supervisory position as well. Add to that, my medical doctor wants me to move departments because we believe and have come to the conclusion that a cleaning agent that is used irritates my lungs, making me more susceptible to infection….the first six months I worked there I got viral pneumonia and bacterial bronchitis…I’ve never had that many pulmonary issues so close together, ever. So I need to see how that works, convincing my company that I need to move to a different department, or at least have limited exposure. Yea…I know what you’re thinking….I’m screwed. I’m replaceable, and they don’t need me. Someone told me that there is a no tolerance for hostility at work. Yippee….I should be set then.
Wish me luck…I’m tired of it all…tired of worrying, fighting….I just want to find that happy place and live. Judas titts….is it that hard?