Here’s a Story

Blogging for therapy.

If you’re new, let me explain why I’m here.

I started my site 9 years ago as a therapy tool at the recommendation of my therapist. I have mental health diagnosis of bpd, ptsd, mdd, gad, apd. I didn’t get two of those diagnosis until 2019 (bpd and apd). When I got those last two, specifically the bpd, I was able to fit together the pieces of a puzzle that had been haunting me for the majority of my life. I was able to UNDERSTAND why I was the way I was. I need to be able to do that. I’ve always been a curious person, wanting answers for things.

(I have linked descriptions to the bold and italized acronyms, just click on them and it will take you to trusted sources for an explanation.)

Anyway…my mental health struggles are real. It cycles, and currently I’m in a downward spiral. I feel lost, depressed, sad, I’m starting to cry a lot, and I’m having morbid thoughts.

This isn’t a new thing. It cycles a couple times a year like this, and in the past has resulted in me having to stay on the psych floor of the hospital, 5 times. I’ve managed to stay out for three years, which is good. I don’t want to go, although I’ve learned something that has benefitted me each time I went.

I’ve checked everything on my list as to why this happens to me. Sometimes it’s triggers and I can work through them. Sometimes I just don’t know, and all of my coping skills don’t work. I believe that part of the cause is genetic, part due to trauma, and part due to that I am a loner. Not necessarily by choice, but that’s the way it is at the moment.

I was put on disability in 2018 because I became an unreliable employee. Something would happen at work, and it would cause me to have flashbacks, panic attacks and I became unable to function in a society that is full of triggers.

In 2021, I felt like I wanted to better my life, but I didn’t know how, and I knew I couldn’t just ”go get a job”. I started researching and realized that I could make money online, from my computer from anywhere. In 2022 I jumped in feet first. I has been a learning experience to say the least. I have learned what I’m good at and what I absolutely SUCK at. I’ve cut back on the things that don’t work for me, and put more energy into the things that do.

Because this started as something to help my mental health, I’m still going to use it for that. So today I’m writing in hopes that it helps me, and maybe someone else, make it through a rough and challenging day.

I had to stop and cry…for what reason? I don’t have a clue. It just comes on at random times and overwhelms me. I’m struggling with the fact that in the beginning of my business journey, I was filled with false expectations about starting an online business. I was misinformed, and have been learning that I am not the only person who has felt this way. I’m ok with that. There’s a learning curve with everything, and if I am going to be successful, then I have to be able to learn what actually works, and what doesn’t.

The crying spell was not caused by my business journey. I keep a daily log of my feelings, emotions, activities on Daylio, and it tracks over time. These cycle around the same times each year. I’m still trying to dig deep and figure out why…I mean, I guess I’ve figured out some of it. Ptsd symptoms cause it, constantly being in flight or fight mode. Probably some repressed memories from childhood that I haven’t figured out yet. I also just want to ”be”. Like “normal”.. whatever that is. I’d like to feel refreshed and wake up in the morning to just pure contentment.

I think for the next few weeks, that’s all I’m going to do, is just focus on relaxing, and being in the moment, blogging, and finding contentment with my life. I have a plan for my business, and am putting in the work. I want to get back to more personal posts at least once or twice a week, with recommendations of products or services that I use, or would use. I have a specific idea of what I want to promote and what I don’t. (I’m crunchy.)

But I want to reach more people that are like minded, and that maybe struggle with mental health issues and build a bigger community for support.

I’d like to hear from you too. Let me know what your thoughts are.

✌️

Shassy

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