Analyzing trauma

This is mostly a therapy post today.

I am a member of a group on facebook that is a safe place for those diagnosed with PTSD, or other psychological illnesses.  I don’t post very often, but read what others are going through.  On almost  **every. single. post. ** there is some form of abuse.  Sexual, Mental, physical, emotional.  Ever single one.  What the fuck?!

I was reading one today and the rp was stating that they were triggered into an anxiety/panic attack from someone showing anger, or such other negative action.  I instantly understood exactly what they were saying.  Any type of anger, rudeness, or aggression sends me into a spiral.  I can remember feeling THAT, my entire life, and as a young child.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and die–I distinctly remember wanting to die at the age of 9.  I know that I’m not the only child that has ever felt that way.  And that saddens me.

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Recently, I’ve been going through something.  I realize that my physical illnesses cycle, and I’m beginning to see a correspondence with my psychological illness, cycling the same way.  I don’t know if one triggers the other, or what causes it.  I’m still learning, or trying to.

I went on doing other things this morning, and into the afternoon.  Doing some website tests, and laundry and just daily stuff.   I was honkin around on the internet and came upon a story about a 16 yo female, convicted of 1st degree murder and sentenced to life in prison.  (I’m purposely leaving out details, as it’s, well, personal.)   It was an hour long story on the how’s, why’s, etc of the case.  During one part of the story, they had coverage of her trial.  I had been watching this story for over 30 minutes, trying to understand the case.  But, when the clip came on, showing the trial, I flipped the fuck out.  Serious flashback mode.  I thought I was going to pass out.  (And I’m sitting on my ass.)   30 minutes of tachycardia, feeling like I was going to suffocate, shaking, crying, disassociating.   I’m just now calming down.   It’s insane.

At first, I didn’t know what was happening, or how it was happening.  But at some point I put together that the court scene, brought up memories and feelings from when I had to go to court to face my abusers.  It makes me sick to my stomach.   I forced myself to watch the entire story…like a bad car wreck.   I tried to think of a way to work through it, so I’m spewing all of this on here.  I don’t want to call crisis, because they’ll send the flipping ambulance.  Even if my phones location is turned off.   I’m trying to work through it myself.  I mean the dogs are here, and they listen…lol…and I’ll try to make something funny come out of it somehow.   But it’s always just me.   I’m ok with that to some extent.  This is a lot to put on others around me.  I don’t want to do that.  It’s hard to understand and hard to explain.   I think there is only one person, that I know right now, that can understand how I am feeling.  And that person isn’t available most of the time, and I’m not going to bother them.

Sometimes I wonder.  Wonder what it would be like to not be me.  Be someone else who hasn’t had “stuff” happen to them.  Then of course I pull my head out of my ass and realize that that is completely unrealistic.  Duh.

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