Here’s a Story

This is a blog post.

For the algs.

I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to socialize with people I don’t know in places where there’s more people I don’t know. I’ve completely turned into a different person.

I read the other day from someone I follow on YouTube, that…and I paraphrase because I suck with remembering shit….that we don’t know who we are because of so many outside influences and other people’s opinions. Basically we’ve been conditioned to believe one way or another, and we don’t actually know our own beliefs…feelings, etc. (I know that’s not the right way to say it, but I think you get the gist).

I read that and thought…hey that’s me. I’ve been trying to figure out my own thoughts, feelings, opinions and not knowing wtf is going on for so long.

I quit allowing substances to mask my pain. I quit allowing substances to make me able to “go do things”…hang out, go shopping…etc. The truth is, I really don’t like doing any of that. It’s boring and doesn’t stimulate my brain, which is already over stimulated..so maybe I should. Never mind.

I quit. I just quit.

Now I’m realizing that I am different than what I portrayed by the influences that I was made to accept. (Yes made…as a child. Now I’m an adult and I’m not made to do or believe anything.)

My opinions, feelings, thoughts, likes, dislikes…. All of that… are now, or are now becoming my own.

People say…”you should get out more, socialize”, “it’s not healthy to not be around other people”, “you need to get a job”, “you weren’t affectionate with your kids”, “you are self centered”, “you have narcissistic traits”. You, you you you you….I get it, I’m flawed. Except now, I’m ok with being flawed. I’m done worrying about what others think of me and what I do. I did the very best I could do at the time, and my heart was in the right place. That’s all I could do, was my best.

I am not a bad person, I am not a narcissist, I am probably a little self centered because we all are.

I’m just over it all.

Someone mentioned to me today that it is the Kentucky Derby. 20 years ago I’d be all over that. Today, I can’t stand it, and won’t watch. The industry is corrupt and horrible.

My attitude towards my fellow man is verklempt. I care about human beings. I care more about the animals and creatures that we share this planet with.

I’ve found people to be cruel. To each other and to the planet and it’s inhabitants. I didn’t know a lot when I was younger. I think that’s the way it is with all people. I think.. who knows.

For me it’s simple now. I don’t do something just to keep the peace or make someone else happy. (I mean…I do things for people, but not out of obligation…out of care and the want to help.)

I’m ok with it.

And I’m still learning to be ok with me, and who I’m becoming.

Thank you Jesus.

✌️

Shassy

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