I almost said ”I hate”.
2023: The emotions in this post are what I’ve been feeling the last few days. The financial situation is still thread bare, but I am not unable to pay my rent. I have a lot of blessings, and another due in May… so excited for that. I want to be the best I can be for my family…and I’m climbing up out of the recent pit I’ve been in. I see how this stuff cycles. I don’t like it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it.
2017: So I’m siting here in my chemical romance, looking at my babies all sleeping and chill. It’s been impossible to miss any doses of my meds, because then I’m in a bad way. I guess I should be thankful that I’m not crouching on the floor in a blubbering, dissociated, mess, on the phone with EMS or crisis, thinking that I’m going to die. Earlier, Linkin did his first at home alert today…panic attack started and he got up and walked across the room, and was right there in front of me putting his paw on me and licking me. Not bad for a 3.5 month old….Anyway…I’m going through the motions of debilitating fear, uncontrollable anxiety, and a few other unhealthy thoughts. I don’t really like to blab on here about stuff due to the stigma of mental illness and trauma, but I’m doing it anyway. My therapist does not want me to work because I need to be in therapy more, and need to be able to at least attempt to get some sort of grip on all of this. My attorney feels somewhat the same, but knows what happens…which isn’t enough. He is working on my case and is 100% positive I will work out in my favor, but the process goes at a snails pace.
So why am I sharing all of this? I don’t really know. There is a dark underbelly of sticky, smelly, gangrenous slime that is hidden behind every day of someone suffering from trauma. “You don’t look sick” is my favorite comment that I get. No…I don’t. Most don’t show it to the general public. There is too much shame involved with being sick. Our society feels as though if they can’t “see” the illness on a person, then it’s not really validated.
Here’s my reality.1)..I can’t pay my rent, because when I work full time, my body shuts down, and just stops working. So that puts me in a situation like today, with me wondering where I’m going to live. I am working on some resolutions for that, but all parties need to agree in order for it to work.
2)..I am terrified to leave my house. Why?….I don’t know how to explain it other than I am in fear of my life all the time. Is that a rational thought process? Probably not. But my brain is wired different since everything, and it’s like I get to climbing up out of the hole, just to get knocked back down when I reach the top.
3)..I’m constantly anxious and hyper vigilant. I see a certain color truck, and have flashbacks. I smell a certain scent, and have a barrage of not so fun memories come flooding back. I see a hotel room, and have a flashback of being held down and raped. I want those images in my head to be put in a huge pile and burned in a bonfire. I want something tangible for the pain, so at least maybe I can get some control over it.
4)..I do have a faith in God. I pray. I read my devotions. But I don’t expect something unrealistic. I can get some peace sometimes, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for my adorable grandbaby and my children (who aren’t children anymore). I know I have been blessed with good things.
Today is hard, like yesterday and the day before. The fear of the unknown for every day living, is too much sometimes. I don’t want to be on the pharma train….no fricken way. But if I didn’t have it right now, I’m not certain how I would handle life….if that’s what you call handling it.
Wish me luck…ugh
Keywords: linktree, therapist, trauma, attorney, snails pace, anxiety, hyper vigilant, rape