I want to be the kind of person that can be called upon if someone needs help.  It makes me feel good to help others.  I believe that’s what we are here for really.  I’m sure I’m repeating myself with this, but oh well.  This is therapeutic for me and I enjoy it.

It’s hard to trust after feeling betrayed or hurt.  It’s easy to SAY you trust, but to really be able to do it again, is hard.  I think that it can be done, but for me it’s important to make sure the past that caused that pain, is left where it belongs.

I’ve been dealing with these flashbacks and panic for quite a while now…this morning it woke me out of a sleep.  After talking with others, I’ve made an appointment with a doctor to be treated.  If it is affecting my day to day living, then it could possibly affect my recovery.  I don’t want that to happen.  Being able to sleep again is something that I hope starts to happen…plus I believe that THAT in and of itself will allow my body to be more relaxed and better able to handle whatever stresses come down the road.  I have to do something…I am really beginning to worry about my health.  The chest pain, sob and anxiety is miserable.  I hate it.  But I have faith that somehow it will be able to be handled and dealt with.

So, this post has been taking me almost three days.  My mind is full of so many things, and it seems when I think about it, I’m not at my computer.

It seems that some days are just too blah…and I wonder.  But, as I mentioned before…it is amazing how we can be refreshed with a new day…I simply am amazed by that.  I’m sure because we are all individuals that each persons experience is different and unique.  I’m also sure that there are some that have never experienced that before.  And some that will die without ever knowing it.

Having freedom is something that I never really appreciated until a few years ago.  Being cuffed and stuffed into a cop car is a slap in the face to taking freedom for granted…been there, done that.  Having to blow my car to get it started is another thing I don’t miss.  It was a rough couple of years, but I think I finally learned that I was being stupid and blind to the gifts I had been given.  I’m such an asshat….my current favorite word.  How could I take those things for granted, when I profess to appreciate freedom?  It’s not just my freedom to speak and do what I want…that’s what got me in trouble to begin with.  It’s my freedom to do the right thing, and I want to make those kind of choices.  Those kind of right or correct choices.  I know that I cannot do some of the things that I used to…seems like common sense.  Evidently I didn’t have any.  Hell, maybe I still don’t have any, but I’m trying to do better.  I’m asking for help when I need it, and listening to new and different ways of looking at things.  I still struggle though sometimes…old ghosts try to come back with a vengeance when they think I’m not looking.  I am very fortunate to have a wonderful support network, friends and family alike.   I have romantic love, familial love, friendship love, gooberish love…for my dogs and cat….and the reminder everyday that I have a choice what I am going to say and what I am going to do.  Ever since I was a child, I felt that I had to grab onto those happy moments, and those times that brought me happiness kept me going.  The sense of loss I felt when those that I loved went away, was something that I remember like it was yesterday.  I felt devastated and as a child, spent many hours crying and not understanding why.  I think that’s why I try so hard to understand now, because I didn’t early on in life.  And I just couldn’t be told “because” as a reason.  I had to understand.  I also remember wanting to die as early as the age of 9.  I was so unhappy.  But I didn’t know any other way, so I just dealt with it the best way a 9 year old could.  I found a way to MAKE myself happy, in a 9 year old’s way of thinking.  It didn’t always last, but it got me to adult hood, or at least the age of 16, then I found beer…but that’s another tangent….

With this exploration of self I’m finding that a lot of this shit I already knew…I just didn’t want to own it.  Now I sit here typing away, blabbing all this roto mix of feelings and letting it all go.  Not really caring if anyone reads it, but it’s becoming a way to toss it up.

to be continued…

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