This post is just words. No business additions or anything, not even an seo plug-in because I’m doing it from my phone.
I am so spent. Put a fork in me, I’m done. My heart hurts, my mind feels broken, I’m tired, and my body hurts. The constant arrows of imposter syndrome are beating at my usually impenetrable shield, and I feel like I’m watching myself slowly fall down a steep hill, trying to grab onto anything to slow the slide.
I’ve blogged about this before. There’s so much that frustrates me about mental illness. These cycles are exhausting and I don’t like it. I want to sleep, but can’t. I want to feel happiness, but don’t most of the time.
Some days I just don’t understand why this keeps happening. In the same thought, I’m telling myself that it happens because you’re a crazy person with mental health issues, with no direct support. (Like a human being close to me type of thing). Then I start thinking that this is too much for anyone to have to deal with, so they are better off away from me. THEN my brain goes back to “But you’re only a flawed human being, you can’t be fixed”.
I am starting to believe that. There is no fixing this, it’s just a constant barrage of ups and downs and the struggle to cope. This is where it gets rough. This is where, in the past I have fallen head first into addiction to numb the feelings. I’m not doing that, in case you were wondering… I’ve beat that demon back into the pit of hell this time. Thank God.
This is where the morbid thoughts start creeping in the background of my mind, poking and prodding.
So I’m writing. This is why I created this site almost 10 years ago. As a therapy tool to help me get through the tough times. There have been many tough times, and I’ve put it all out here in the interwebs of digital outer space. I’ve shared it all, from the beginning, to why and how I’m trying to make life better.
But today…. Yesterday, the day before… couple weeks before…it’s been a struggle. I have a toolbox of coping skills, and they are being used, but sometimes I’m just all out of spoons.
Exhausting, depressive, mind numbing. I hope it passes soon. I have work to do.