What I am working on.
Part of what I am working on is sharing…I am not good at doing it in a big group of people…and I get sh*t for it…LOL…it doesn’t bother me, I’m a work in progress….as we all are…so I’m going to share here. These are my feelings and thoughts, and by no means do they cover anyone else…there, that’s my disclaimer. 🙂
It’s important to understand what triggers us to do what we do. For an addict, it’s important to understand those triggers, so we don’t relapse. I was in a meeting the other day and was thinking…”am I an addict because of trauma from my life, or do I have trauma from my life, because I’m an addict?”
Each persons journey is different. Alcoholism is hereditary, but I also believe that generation after generation of trying to escape problems with alcohol or drugs, also has an emotional root, which subsequently causes it to become hereditary. Human beings can be chemically altered through many different ways. I’m not sure I believe that someone is born, gets old enough to think on their own, and then decides…” hmmm…I think I’m going to become an addict/alcoholic, then pass it on down the line for the rest of my offspring…” We as human beings are feeling breathing creatures of habit.
Generally we don’t like to be hurt, physically or emotionally. And if we are hurt, and don’t have the right coping mechanisms, or resources, we turn to what “fixes” it instantly….pills, or booze a lot of times…numbs the pain. Pretty simple, supposedly. Someone once told me that I was trying to change for the wrong reasons…I disagree. If I understand that emotional pain has been a trigger for me, then I work very hard on not relapsing, if I experience that pain.
I work very hard on trying my best to process the emotion, work through it, with our without help, and move on.
Do I screw up and say things wrong…OF COURSE, that is a gift of mine….open mouth insert both feet….ask anyone who has known me for a long time, and they will tell you that. If I understand the problem, I can change the outcome. I firmly believe that my issues have been caused from trauma that started many many years ago. It wasn’t until March 2012, that I learned what my triggers are…Dealing with my actions is my responsibility, and I take that. It’s no ones fault but my own what I chose to do and what I chose not to do. I am trying to understand the disease, so I can treat it.
I can’t fix it, if I don’t know how it got broken in the first place. If I know, or see that something is going to trigger me, I will do something, say something about it to try to make it stop. If I cannot do that, then I will walk away. Someone else’s opinion on my recovery, especially negative, cannot affect me, or I will not succeed.