Clarity through the clouds….

I had a very close person mention their thoughts on my thoughts… which is cool, because it made me look inside, and I wanted to write more about “me”   ;-).

I write and express my feelings because it is a way for me to process them, and hopefully not react in a way that is destructive.   When I experience heart break, ache, loss…etc…I sometimes become insecure, or maybe it’s that I feel too much…I’m not sure how to describe it.  I just know how I feel.  One of the things that is important for me to do is understand each and every feeling that I go through.  If I understand them, and realize where they come from, then I can put them in their place, and look at the situation logically, so as not to react like a complete idiot…which I have done numerous times in my life.   There are days where I feel completely lost and inept.  But I also know on those days, that those feelings will pass and I will be able to compartmentalize the “fleeting” feelings, stemming from the fear of pain, from the feelings that are true and long lasting.  I’ve said before that love is a choice more so than a feeling.  Yes…there is that fun mushy gushy feeling of love, but that comes and goes.  Choosing to love is something different, a verb, action…I express almost all of what I am feeling, at the moment, and from the past.  It makes it possible for me to understand that I am human, I am VERY emotional, and I simply have to understand the “why” of what I do.

Long story short…yes, there are some days when I feel all discombobulated (yes, that is a word).  But that’s ok…I analyze how I’m feeling, decide where it goes and what is causing it, and then let it go.  Heart break can do a lot for some people…for me I have to be able to find something positive, and make something good out of something bad.  It is ok for me to feel all of the different things that life brings to me, but it is not ok for me to be dysfunctional because of how I am feeling.

I am a work in progress…I have made mistakes.  But have no doubt that I want to live, love and be happy.  That can only found from within myself and help from the Man Upstairs.  I want to share and “be”.   Find that balance…but what I believe is finding that balance, is a constant progression that can’t be taken for granted.  Balance is kept, not achieved and finished, in my opinion.  I can’t expect perfection out of myself, because I am not perfect.  It can be expected from me that I will do my best and try my hardest to show those that have measure in my life, how much they mean to me.

If I say I love you, I mean it.  And I will do my best to make sure you know that everyday.

I have also said that I am in recovery.   I feel like I am recovering from not only chemical dependency, but emotional dysfunction as well.  I do NOT want to replace one addiction with another.  Which is sometimes easy to do.  This process of me “feeling” all these feelings, and analyzing them, helps me to hopefully be healthy.  I feel healthier…not only because I am not putting trash into my body, but because I am putting healthy things into my mind and heart.  Some of my posts will be fueled by feelings and moments that cause those feelings.  Which for me is good to accept because like I mentioned before…I can look back at them, or at them at that moment and step aside and realize what it is stemming from….am I pissed off at someone?  Do I feel anxious?  Scared?  See for me it’s a continuous journey into what life has to offer.  I just have to keep my feet on the ground and ask God to guide me in the right choices.

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