It’s becoming easier…

It’s beginning to get easier to replant those negative causing feelings that pop up when I least expect it.  Just tonight I had old hurts nuzzle their way up through the depths to try to rack me.  I was surprised that I didn’t react as much.  Maybe surprised is the wrong word.  I am changing.  I didn’t feel as fucked up as I once would have.  It’s in its place now, and I see that.  I use these “words” “fucked up”, to make a point.  I am not “fucked” up…I am the queen of over analyzing EVERYTHING.  I have made numerous mistakes in life, but I feel good about the direction I’m heading.  I guess I kind of scared myself because I don’t want to become unfeeling, but I don’t want to overreact either.  It’s nuthin but a thang…I don’t know why I keep saying that.  Ugh.

It’s hard for me to find the grey area, because for me it’s boring.  I just realized that.  I don’t like “blah”.  I want to EXPERIENCE life, and cabbage on to every single feeling…it makes me feel alive.  I am not the kind of person to become complacent with mediocrity.  For me…what I think is mediocrity.  Since each one of us is a different creature, what is right for one, may not be right for another.  That’s cool.  I just don’t function well without that mental and emotional stimulation that actually embracing life can bring.  I have to feeeeeeel it.  LOL…It makes me who I am and makes life something to enjoy.  That’s one of the reasons we are here.  I firmly believe that God gave us all of these “things” so we could enjoy all that He has to offer us.   What is important for me is to find the balance with how to react.  That balance has been, in the past, hard for me to find sometimes.  I think I’ve done pretty good at it in the last few years, considering.  I’m still learning, searching, and enjoying the life that I have been given.  Balance is kept.  I’ll never be “cured”.  And you know, I’m not sure I would want to be “cured”…I’m thinkin that would be boring, and that would be the point when I quit trying to love and be loved.  That will be when I die…on more than one level.  I’m not ready for that yet….hoping God sees fit to fulfill the desires of my heart first….

We shall see.

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