I have felt disjointed a little lately…not to the point of doing anything stupid…but really working on not letting my emotions rule the roost. I haven’t always been successful at that venture, but I’m trying. It’s soooooo hard for me to be in that middle ground of unresolved issues, and not understanding why things happen. I feel like I’m expected to just take it, and not ask questions. I could do that if it was just a random person…but when the person is so close to my heart, it’s a hard pill to swallow. I’ve come to the point where I can barely even look at the person without just wanting to cry. Being healthy is a hodgepodge of choices, decisions, actions etc. It’s easy for someone to say, “just get over it and move on…leave me alone…” but when you just don’t want to give up on someone, it’s hard to do.
There’s more than one way and program to stay sober too. For me there’s that fine line. I want to stay sober, but I also want to be healthy…for me being healthy means being open, communicating, trying to correct wrongs, acknowledging…a host of different things. It’s not just doing one thing. If talk therapy and spirituality works for one person, then cool…if going to meetings and religiously seeing a sponsor works, then that’s cool too. No one person has the right to say that a certain path is wrong. What we do have the right to is setting boundaries and not allowing someone to bring us down, just because they don’t like the way we are living. If it doesn’t affect me, then no harm, no foul. But if it does, then I have an obligation to myself to try to stop it. It’s in the way that I stop it that I sometimes fail miserably. I believe my actions will affect and cause others to react. That is a given, and I try to be considerate, or at least think about how my actions could affect another, but there again, I fail a lot of the times. One thing I don’t do is hold things in… LOL…Also one thing I haven’t mastered is readily accepting when someone doesn’t want to hear it. I mistakenly assume that because they say they “love” me, then they want to talk or work it out as much as I do. I am wrong. What I need to decide is—because the levels of communication choices are different; do I want to continue to have things unsaid and undone. Or do I just say it. I try to respect others…it’s just that with affairs of the heart…it’s hard to think logically all the time.
Sometimes I think that people expect perfection out of someone who says “ I quit drinking, or I quit doing drugs”. I really try to not be like that, but I do expect a certain level of openness, and I guess that is wrong as well. Not allowing myself to get emotionally attached to someone who cannot reciprocate is something that I am working on stopping at the present. People don’t always follow through with what they say, and I am notorious for believing others, and when it doesn’t happen, I get horribly let down. I have to find that fine line, AGAIN, with allowing myself to believe, and not. The problem with not believing is that it makes me jaded and grumpy. I don’t like to be that way and neither do the people around me. I want to keep the faith in humanity…I don’t want to give up yet.